


When You're Falling In The Forest And There's Somebody Around

by oliverherebitches



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: ...., Artist Evan Hansen, Connor Murphy is a good brother, Evan Hansen is figuring it out, F/F, Fluff, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Gay Romance, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lesbian Romance, M/M, Mutual Pining, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Romance, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, THERE IS NO SMUT IN HERE BITCHES, Treebros, Zero sex i stfg, at some point, i hate smut don't @ me, lgbtq+, ur safe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:54:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 26,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23355784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oliverherebitches/pseuds/oliverherebitches
Summary: Connor doesn't die, and he meets Evan when he falls from the tree. They become friends, and, eventually, get together.Treebros fic + ZoexAlana fluff (eventually).Tw // suicide, self-harm, etc.I'm terrible at summaries.
Relationships: Alana Beck/Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 84
Kudos: 341





	1. Failure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: If you have had/have thoughts of suicide or self-harm, and the subject makes you uncomfortable, this story is not for you. Don't read on if you are triggered by events that involve depression and/or suicide.
> 
> The same goes for drugs/overdoses. I don't want to hurt anybody!
> 
> I write things similarly to what I've been through, so if it's poorly written (compared to the rest of the story (which all of it probably will be), I probably haven't experienced it myself! Which means any scenes that involves drugs, overdoses (if I end up writing them), etc., will not be very easy to follow (imo).
> 
> (And for those of you who aren't leaving, I hope you enjoy!)

Evan Hansen walked down the street, his bag slung over his shoulder, filled with his normal drawing supplies.

It was a beautiful day. You wouldn't expect anything bad to happen; peaceful; calm...

Empty.

You would think on days like this he would be basking in the sun, or sitting at home in the luxury of air conditioning.

But not today.

He held his phone in his hands as he walked on the pavement, not even sure how he was going to go about this. He stared down at his phone, its blank screen. The pace of his walking was slow. Maybe he wanted to seem busy, maybe it was a way to bide his time, really think about what he was planning here.

He mumbled a few things to himself. Did he have his notes? Did he even need his notes? Wasn't this a plan to fake it, wouldn't notes make it seem not like an accident?

Deep breaths, Evan. He wasn't even to the orchard yet; he still had time.

* * *

Breathe in.

He grabbed onto the first branch, pulling himself into the air, using the small amount of strength he had.

Breathe out.

He hooked his leg around the branch and tugged himself upright.

One foot after the other. It was simple; he had done it a million times before, just do it like he does every time. Breathe in the fresh air, feel the wind, and just... climb.

There was nothing to it. All you really needed was awareness. You didn't even need your hands to stop shaking; if anything it added to the adrenaline.

Small gusts of wind blew against him, giving him small moments of relief from the hot weather.

Maybe it was a good thing that he chose to do this today.

The world would be better without him there, ruining everything.

* * *

Evan's breathing got faster and louder the higher he got. The moments that he paused, he would look down, checking if he was high enough.

The way he was climbing would look normal to many people. People who would look up at him and say, "Oh, look, there's a kid climbing a tree," then go about their day. Unfazed. Then there may be other people who would see other things. People who would notice the tears falling down his face, people who would notice _just how high_ he actually was.

Despite that, everyone who passed by were completely indifferent about seeing him. And that reminded him that he would have to wait until there was nobody around if he wanted to do this. He didn't want help.

He just wanted to disappear.

Evan grabbed onto the next branch and hoisted himself up, looking back down at the ground for a second. It was high, but not high enough. He felt like he couldn't go on for much longer, though. The branches were getting thin.

There were a lot of things he should have been feeling right now. Resolve, terror, fear, but no. All he felt was numb. A dull, empty aching. He was fortunate he would be able to get rid of it soon. Maybe on the other side he would be able to feel things, anything other than anxiety and nothing.

Thinking back on it, it shouldn't have been too surprising that he was about to do this. His life had been filled with bad things up until this point. His dad left while he was seven, his mom, the only person in his life that actually cared, was never around. She barely talked to him because she was always so busy.

It was selfish that he would feel this way. After all, the reason she was gone so often was so she could help them get by. Without that they would probably be homeless right now.

When you think about it, things would be better this way, after he was gone. She wouldn't have to care about another person. It would be easier for her to get by. And he wouldn't get in the way of her aspirations; she could pursue whatever she wanted.

As he climbed, his feelings shifted more towards resolved. It would spare her feelings as well. He had set up his own little story of how it happened.

His phone had the camera opened, and it was sitting in his pocket. Once he got high enough, he would take his phone out before letting go, making it look like an accident.

His drawing supplies was all nice and set up at the bottom of the tree. Making it look like a freak accident; a reckless kid that climbed a little too high trying to get the reference he needed.

A few more branches, until when he clamped his hand around the one above him, he heard a snap.

* * *

Who would have thought.

Evan was now dangling.

This was the sort of circumstance you would expect to happen in a work of fiction. The protagonist goes to do something horrible, but gets stopped halfway and doesn't have the chance to.

He was aware he wasn't high enough. The place he was in was too close to the ground and the way he would fall wouldn't kill him. Could he at least try? Sure, yeah, but it wouldn't work. All it would do was hurt him.

Evan looked down at the branch that had just fallen and saw it hit the ground, snapping in half. It was his fault for thinking a branch like that could hold his weight. Then again, it was his choice to come up here.

He let go of one hand and glanced around, barely mustering up the strength to hold on. He _had_ to fall now. That would be the only way to get down at this point.

 _You can't do this_ , a voice inside him said. Why was he getting second thoughts now, in the moment he didn't have a choice?

 _What about your mom_? it said. He had come to this conclusion earlier, she would be fine, even better without him.

His other hand was slipping.

 _Grab another branch._ There were none to grab.

 _Find a foothold._ There were no footholds left.

All he had time to do was to close his eyes.

* * *

You would think, after all this time, all he had been through, he would be used to pain.

But hitting the ground like that was one of the most painful things he had experienced in his life. _Blinding_ pain.

His eyes filled with tears and he let out a loud cry of pain, clutching his arm.

There was no one around.

Or, so he thought.

"Holy shit," he heard, not even a minute after he hit the ground. He didn't have the willpower to look up at whoever had said it, struggling to try and get back to his feet so he could leave.

When he tried to get up, his left arm collapsed under his weight, making him yell out again.

Shit.

"Are you okay?" whoever it was said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Do you need an ambulance?"

"N-no!" he smacked his hand away and scrambled, finally getting to his feet, and leaned against the trunk of the tree.

He probably looked crazy right now. Some stuttering kid that had just fallen out of a tree.

"I- -Uh, I'll be fine," he said.

The guy looked at him for a second, the look of 'did he really just say that?' and said, "I'm taking you to the hospital."

He opened his mouth to object, but he was given a look that told him he wasn't going to leave him alone.

Shit.

* * *

Evan knew where he recognized this guy from.

Connor Murphy. He threw a printer at Mrs. G in first grade.

He didn't know him very well at all, he was almost never in school, and even then, he was always high. This might have been the very first time he had seen him somewhat sober, and he seemed... tame. Weirdly calm about this whole ordeal, while Evan had been failing to fight back tears this entire time.

It didn't feel like he wanted to do anything else right now; he just wanted to go home now; he didn't even care about his arm anymore. The only thing stopping him was Connor.

He was ditched in the waiting room, after Connor made sure he was getting taken care of. It was almost like he knew he would just leave if no one was paying attention.

Heidi, Evan's mom, hospital scrubs and all, came in when he was getting his cast on and freaked out. She asked why he had been climbing a tree when she thought he was at home, he said that he was drawing and wanted to get a picture of the area from up high, that it was all an accident.

He hated lying.

* * *

His mom was called back to work not long after she entered the room, and Evan expected he would have to walk the four miles home. Which gave him pretty much free range of whatever he wanted.

All it would take now was to go home and lock himself in his room, cutting away. But he didn't want to force his mom to come home to that. There was a reason he was trying to make it look like an accident.

Evan walked onto the pavement, a new pain medication clanking around in his pocket.

Something he decided was that he wasn't going to use it, in fact the pain somewhat gave him closure, but he knew why the doctor gave it to him.

It was a normal thing to give people medicine... Evan had anxiety medications and antidepressants, himself.

Pain medicine was a whole different story. He just didn't enjoy the numb feeling you get when you take them. It made him so _uncomfortable_. He felt numb all the time, but this was a different kind of numb. It was like if he took too many, he would get too attached, and that wouldn't be good. Though he understood the appeal of getting hooked on that kind of thing.

Evan was a lot of things, but a drug addict was not one of them.

Given all that, he was probably going to go home and flush it all down the toilet.

He cradled his broken arm, now rested in a sling, against his chest.

Things were not looking great for him right now.

Heat and casts were not a good mix, he was starting school again in a few weeks, and...

There was a car following him.

Connor's car, specifically.

Of course it was Connor.

"What do you want?" he said as the passenger side window rolled down.

He leaned over from the driver's seat to talk. "Do you need a ride home?" he called back.

The question caught him off guard. He had expected to maybe get teased, considering the type of person Connor was. Or at least from what he had seen of him, which wasn't much.

And like he said, he was a lot more tame when he was sober.

Maybe he was like him, in a way, and he just didn't have anything other than alcohol and drugs to give him closure.

"No...?" he said, replying to Connor.

It seemed to surprise him, somewhat. After a few seconds he narrowed his eyes. "You look like you're about to pass out. Let me take you the fuck home."

Oh, there he was. The Connor that swore every other sentence.

He felt every perception of the sober version of him crumble a little.

"I-I really shouldn't," he said.

"Your loss."

The window started closing again, and Evan realized just what he meant by "about to pass out". He really was feeling drowsy, and it was a four mile walk home.

"Wai- -Hold on," he said.

Connor unlocked the door without another word, looking back at him knowingly.

Oh god. What was he getting himself into.

* * *

Connor's car matched his personality well.

There were random wrappers scattered all over the place, along with cigarette butts and other things.

Evan wasn't sure how he felt about cigarettes. They were really addictive, he'd heard. Like many things were. He had never tried them. Hopefully he never would.

As they drove, he realized he had forgotten his things at the park. His backpack, his phone, his supplies, everything. He didn't want to have to ask Connor to stop by there, but he didn't really have a choice.

"Hey, uh... so I-I left my stuff at the park," he said.

Connor made a left turn without using the turn signal. Reckless.

"It's all in the back. I picked it up while you were in the hospital."

"Oh..."

Evan looked into the back seat and, lo and behold, there were his things. Neatly piled on the seat. It didn't even seem like he had looked through his sketches. Then again, he could have just opened and closed it. He wouldn't be able to tell.

He picked at his fingernails, doing everything he could to not talk to Connor besides giving directions, which he didn't seem to mind.

He had a bad habit of doing that, picking his nails. Always picked at them too much, and at some point would end up bleeding in some way.

It wasn't on purpose, though. Just habit.

They were almost to his house, but they were going pretty slow. It was obvious Connor had never been in this area before. He was actually paying attention to the road, making careful turns.

Being unnaturally aware of his breathing, Evan leaned his elbow against the door and gazed out at the passing houses.

* * *

Evan's house was... less than perfect.

As he opened the door, he didn't think much of how dark and uninviting it had become to him. Organized, yet unorganized. Much like his feelings.

His mother was almost never home; she had to work at the local hospital. Always leaving Evan to his own devices around the house. That was one of the reasons he was allowed to do virtually whatever he wanted. There was no one around to tell him otherwise.

Evan tossed his backpack down onto the sofa. You would think after all the time he had lived here, he would be comfortable in a place like this. But no. This house held a lot of memories he would rather not dig up, but of course, seeing it from the distance, pulling up into the driveway, would always remind him of them.

He filled a pot with water and started it on the stove. Since his mom was never around, he didn't have many options for dinner. There was always the option of using the money she would leave on the counter to order food, but he couldn't stomach that kind of thing. Talking to the delivery guy and such. He'd rather his health get slowly worse than get an actual meal; top ramen was fine.

Glancing out the window, he noticed Connor was still there. He looked like he was rummaging through his own car, looking for something, getting increasingly frustrated.

Connor didn't see him. He felt like a creep for watching him without his knowledge, but he was in his front yard, so that gave him some pretty good permission to do so.

He watched as Connor finally found what he was looking for, a pen and paper, and started writing something down on it.

Curious.

Evan lowered himself down a little to prevent being seen, peaking over the counter, where he had a clear view of Connor getting out of the car, paper in hand, and walking up to the door.

He heard crinkling paper for a few seconds, followed by a quiet thud, and watched as Conner walked back to his car and drove away.

Evan yanked the door open after making sure Connor had driven out of sight and looked around for a moment before noticing the scrap paper tucked beneath the doormat.

He slowly picked it up, unfolding it, and on it was...

The number for the national suicide hotline.

He'd recognize that anywhere.

 _"Shit,"_ he whispered, and looked down the road in the direction Connor had driven off to.

Was he really that obvious?


	2. Back To Normal

"Evan! You don't want to be late!"

Evan turned over in his bed, wincing when he put too much pressure on his arm. It had been a few days since the accident, and his mom still didn't know what it really was about.

For some reason he didn't think it would be a good idea to tell her who had taken him to the hospital. He had just told her that some random stranger had found him and drove him there. Even so, she told him it was a bad idea to get into a car with a stranger. He couldn't imagine what she would say if he told her some stoner kid from his school, that was known for his aggressive attitude, was the guy that picked him up.

Walking downstairs, he could smell toast.

That seemed to be his mom's go-to food to make him when she can't stick around for long. Doesn't have time to make anything else. Which was kind of dumb; if he wanted toast, he could just make some himself after she leaves, but he understood why she felt the need to make it for him.

His mom came over and kissed him on the cheek when he entered the kitchen. He noticed she had her purse in her hand.

"I have to go to work, sweetie. I'll see ya later, okay?" she said.

Called it.

"Okay."

She smiled as she opened the door. "Don't be late for school."

* * *

As Evan watched his mom driving away, he noticed another car on the other side of the street. One that looked suspiciously familiar.

Was that...

Nah. It couldn't have been Connor. He should be at school by now. The only reason that Evan was still home was because he lived really close and it was only a short walk from his house to there.

Evan ate his toast and drank a glass of water. He hated having to go back to school now of all times. He was certain that people were going to stare at him, at his cast. The day before his mother had recommended that he ask people to sign his cast, but he had the feeling no one would want to.

He left the house and went onto the sidewalk to walk to school. The car that looked like Connor's started driving as well, but at a slow pace so that it was almost Evan's speed, but a little faster. Fast enough that it didn't look like anything.

Maybe it was just someone preoccupied with their phone. That happened a lot in the area that Evan lived in. Everyone seemed to get lost.

The car followed until he made it to the school parking lot, where the moment he got off the pavement, it sped up and made its way down the road until it was out of sight.

Thank goodness. It must have been a slow driver that was scared of running him over or something.

* * *

Evan walked down the hallway at school. Maybe when he was done with school he could go back to the grove and try again... he shook his head. No. He would just go to the grove to enjoy himself and hang out. Alone, as always.

He was lost in thought when he literally ran into Jared, who was walking down the hallway on his phone.

"Whoa! What the fuck!" Jared yelled out, stumbling a bit before regaining his balance.

"Sorry! I'm s-so sorry!" Evan said, flinching as if he were preparing for a punch.

"Dude!" Jared said.

"Sorry!"

He looked at him like he was crazy, which seemed to be his go-to look. "You can stop now."

"Oh. Sorry-I mean-I-uh..." He decided to stop talking.

Jared looked down at his arm. "Is it weird being the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much?"

"What!? That's not what-!"

"Painting the picture-you're in your bedroom, you've got Zoe Murphy's instagram up on your weird off-brand cellphone-"

"T-that's not what happened! I-uh-I well I was climbing a tree and-well-I-I fell."

Jared paused for a while, raising his eyebrow, before repeating, with a laugh, "You fell out of a tree? What are you, like... and acorn?"

"I-no, I-"

"Hey Connor! Loving the new hair. Very school-shooter-chic," Jared said, cutting him off. Evan jumped, seeing Connor standing there at his locker, book bag in-hand.

He looked annoyed, and... out of it. Not like what he had seen a few days before. There was anger in his posture, frustration, impatience, the whole thing. This was Connor high.

The kindness that Connor had shown Evan the other day was no doubt gone by now. He was certain that if he stuck around longer, that he was going to get shoved for no reason or be yelled at for being weird.

"...It was a joke," Jared continued.

"Yeah, no, it was funny, I'm laughing, can't you tell?" Connor deadpanned. "Am I not laughing _hard_ enough for you?"

"You're such a freak..." Jared spun on his heal and walked off.

Evan decided that he didn't want anything to do with interaction and turned around.

"Hold on just a second, Hansen," he heard from behind him, and he froze in his tracks.

Fuck.

Connor grabbed his shoulder and spun him around so they were face-to-face, making Evan let out a small gasp-like sound. But weirdly, he didn't look mad. What made him intimidating was the way he towered over him. If it were to end in a shove or a fight, he wouldn't stand a chance.

Connor seemed to notice how his hand was still on his shoulder, and he let go of his grip. "No one's signed your cast."

Evan felt taken aback. He didn't know what he had been expecting, but it definitely wasn't that.

"U-h... yeah... I haven't really asked a-anyone yet," he replied.

"Can I... sign it?"

This made Evan even more taken aback. Why would _Connor_ want to sign his cast? Of all people?

"Um... uh-yeah, sure." Evan reached into his bag and pulled out the sharpie that his mom told him to bring and handed it to Connor.

He took it from him, uncapped it, and wrote his name in big fat letters across the front of Evan's cast.

"Oh..." Evan said, not sure if it was a sarcastic "oh" or a genuine "oh", "Thanks..."

Connor recapped the sharpie and handed it back to Evan. "Now we can both pretend we have friends," he said. Evan saw a shadow of a smirk and Connor rushed away, book-bag slung over his shoulder.

What a strange interaction.


	3. Walk With Me

Later that day, Evan left the school feeling disheveled. First day of school, he already had so much homework that he had the feeling he would be pulling an all-nighter. Guess that was his fault for taking so many classes.

He walked down the sidewalk, shoving another text book in his bag. It was days like these that made him regret not fully going through with it.

In fact, as he walked, distracted by what he was doing, he subconsciously started toward the orchard.

There wasn't much to do there other than climb trees and draw. Luckily he had at least decided to bring a thing of pencils and a small sketchbook. Maybe he had decided he was going to go there after school when he left the house, and just forgotten, or he just had a hunch.

Either way, he had come to the conclusion that if he still felt like shit by the time he got there, he was going to try again.

He texted his mom that he was going to the orchard before coming home. There wasn't going to be an immediate reply, and he knew she wasn't going to even be home to greet him when he got there, but she insisted that if he was going to do anything after school that he always had to text her about it.

Which really, really sucked. He couldn't do anything without having to check in with her first. It was such an inconvenience.

Really, though, everything he actually did was go to school and/or the orchard, so he barely had any right to complain.

It was still annoying though.

As he shuffled through his bag, trying to make room for more books, he pulled out a small piece of paper and frowned, slowing down his walking.

Oh.

His notes from the other day.

Unfolding it, there were small blotches of wrinkled paper, scattered across the entire page. They covered little segments of the shaky handwriting. Why hadn't he gotten rid of this before? It wasn't going to benefit him in any way now.

"What are you doing?"

Evan nearly jumped out of his skin, halting mid-step. "I- -uh," he went, crinkling the note in his fist and shoving it back into his bag as Connor came up to him. "I was just- -"

Connor held up his hand to stop him speaking. "Shut it, Hansen. I can't handle your dumbass stuttering right now."

Evan inhaled slowly. Calm. Keep calm. This was still the guy that stopped him from killing himself, it should be giving him relief to see him again. But Connor had a reputation for his temper. All around, he couldn't see anything about him that wasn't shady. It made him uneasy.

The way he kept on approaching him. It felt like he had different intentions.

"What do you want?" he said, slinging his backpack over his shoulder.

Connor opened his mouth, closed it, then looked down the road and back at him before saying, "Walk with me."

"Huh? Why?"

"I need to talk to you." He jerked his head to the sidewalk.

* * *

Evan fiddled his fingers as he walked beside Connor.

He felt his face was red. The arm in the cast was aching, he'd had a headache all day, and now he was being forced to walk with the guy that had witnessed what had happened the other day.

Connor had his hands in his pockets, looking forward.

There was something unnatural in his gaze. It seemed... unsure. Well, not so much unsure. More like thinking, plotting his next move.

It was difficult to tell, though. Connor wasn't a very easy person to read.

He had seen Connor around school for quite a while during the times he had been hiding in the corner from everyone. Observing people was a habit of his; it distracted him from everything going on in his head.

The tired eyes and obvious exhaustion was worth noting, along with other things. Like the way he was constantly on his phone, was constantly doing his best to look annoyed and irritable, only for whenever Evan spotted him alone, to look... done. Not really in a way that was "I'm so done with people," more in a way that said "Finally, a break."

But that was just observations, so obviously he could be wrong, seeing as Connor wasn't exactly one to show his feelings.

It was still very interesting though.

"So," Connor said, breaking the silence that had settled between them.

"So...?"

"Why'd you do it?"

He felt a slight pain in his hand as he pinched himself, trying to remain as calm as possible.

"W-what?"

Connor itched his forehead, obviously disappointed at his response. "Don't play dumb, you know what I'm talking about."

Any cheerfulness that he might have been feeling beforehand immediately left him, causing him to avert his eyes to the ground. He should have guessed that it would be brought up eventually. The only thing was how quickly it had been.

He was caught off guard.

"Why... do you want to know?"

"Curiosity."

"Oh..."

The shock of him pinching his own hand turned into pain, which made him clench his teeth. Should he come up with an excuse? He knew that Connor wasn't nearly as stupid as people made him out to be, and definitely not as oblivious to things like these as Jared. He had seen what was happening at the orchard. How much it, he had no idea, because for all Evan knew he could have been there the entire time.

If he lied, he would get called out by the infamous temper-tantrum kid and possibly get beaten up for it. If he didn't, Connor might tell a teacher, and he would get exposed for it, possibly bullied more than he already was.

There were no upsides to this. He didn't know Connor well enough to just... _tell_ him. Even if the evidence was all there, even if he had already pieced it together himself, there still wasn't a more credible source than the person who did it.

The thought that maybe this could be passed around school without his consent terrified him. Not being popular was one thing, a thing he could handle. Having a reputation for self-destruction, like Connor, he definitely could _not_ handle.

Connor was now looking at him.

He needed to come up with _something_.

"I..."

His eyebrows raised.

"I can't tell you."

Connor's apprehensive look was replaced with disappointment, turning his eyes back to the road ahead. "What a lot of suspense for nothing," he said.

He took the easy way out.

* * *

They arrived at the orchard, and at this point Evan was sort of just following Connor's lead, walking alongside him and sitting under a tree. The sun was shining really brightly into his eyes.

He avoided eye contact for a long time before he leaned back against the tree trunk. What was the point?

As he stared off to the side, he could _feel_ Connor's eyes on the back of his head, prying. It felt like he was waiting for him to say something. But when he looked back at him, he immediately averted his eyes, pretending to not have been looking in the first place.

Curious.

He stared back up at the trees. The one he had fallen from wasn't very far from where they were sitting now. He could see it, the tallest one in the orchard. It towered over all others.

Why wasn't looking at it making him uncomfortable?

He pulled his bag closer to him and looked back at Connor for a second, before opening it and pulling out the sketchbook and pencil.

He had already told his mom where he was going, so he might as well make the best of it if they weren't going to talk.

Connor turned his attention to him, silent, as he started to sketch out the trees.

* * *

It only took a few minutes for Connor to say something about it, which, honestly, he was surprised he even said anything at all.

"Where did you learn to do that?" he asked.

"Hm?"

He pointed at his drawing.

"Oh... I taught myself."

"Really?"

"Yeah..."

"Damn, Hansen." He nudged him with his elbow. "Who would've thought."

"Haha..."

Was that supposed to be a compliment?

"Do you take any art classes?"

"No, I just like to do it in my free time."

"That's really cool, dude."

"Thanks."

* * *

"I should go, it's getting late," Evan said, looking at his phone. It had been nearly two hours since he had sent it and his mom hadn't even replied to his "going to the park" text yet.

Of course she hadn't.

"Need a ride?" Connor asked.

Evan stuffed the sketchbook into his bag, which was still very cramped from all the textbooks, and decided it wasn't worth it to try and get the pencil in there because it might snap, so he tucked it behind his ear.

"Uh... we walked here?" he replied.

"Right." Connor stood and leaned against the tree, putting his hands in his pockets. "We can walk back and get my car."

"I don't know. It's kind of a long walk from here to there, and it's gonna start getting dark soon."

Connor shrugged, a very slight smile appearing on his face. "I mean, I have to do it anyway. You can keep me company."

He searched the air for a response as he stood, slinging his bag over his shoulder. On one hand, he had gotten somewhat comfortable around Connor, so much so he was willing to spend almost two hours with him. On the other...

He held that thought.

"Fine."

Connor grinned.

* * *

"You're really quiet, you know that?" Connor said.

"Yeah."

They walked down the sidewalk, the lights sitting at the side of the street slowly flickering on as the day got darker. The warm glow blended well with the weather, which was a comfortable kind of chilly. It was humid.

"Do you remember where my house is?" Evan asked.

"Yeah. I remember things," Connor said.

Well that was reassuring.

Their conversations were so dull. Evan felt like he was going to panic.

Half the time he had been around Connor there had been nothing but silence. The only conversations they seemed to have were just Connor trying to pry the reason he was at the orchard that day out of him, all others being just dull, two sentenced ones.

The way he acted around him was so strange to Evan. He was precarious, oddly gentle. Nothing like what people would gossip about him. Definitely not what he would have expected from him.

Sometimes Jared would talk about him when he was going on his rants, talking about how strange and out of his mind he was. Every interaction Evan would see of him were filled with rage and violence; all were confrontations.

Time passed rather quickly, and when they arrived back at the school parking lot, it had gotten so dark out that all that was illuminating their path were the street lights.

Connor opened the passenger door for him. Evan sat, resting his bag in his lap, and just stared ahead as Connor shut the door and got into the driver's seat.

"Don't your parents care that you're out late?" Connor asked as they slowly pulled out of the parking lot.

"Um." If he were alone this night would be calming, but he was never calm when he was around Connor. "My mom works the overnight shift at the hospital."

"What about your dad?"

"Oh... my dad... he, uh, left when I was seven. So- -um... he doesn't really care either." Shit. That was probably way too much information. Why did he say that?

Connor turned on the headlights and stared out into the dark before just saying, "Oh."


	4. Awkward

The next day, when Evan awoke, it was way too early.

His eyes felt heavy, groggy. It was still very dark outside, just the slight glow of the sun rising ever so slowly emerging.

Evan looked up at the clock in the corner, which read 4:23 AM. It had barely even been an hour since he fell asleep.

He dragged his hands down his face and sat up, feeling sweat dripping down his back, more inside his cast. Another nightmare; and he didn't even remember this one.

Not bothering to make his bed, he got up and slowly, pulling a blanket with him, made his way down the stairs.

His mom wasn't home again, obviously. She might get back later while he was at school, but all she would probably do was send him a text and go to sleep. And it wasn't like he was disappointed by that, she deserved it; she deserved rest, she worked so hard just so she could support them financially, and the least he could do was just stay out of the way.

But sometimes it felt like she just... didn't want to talk to him at all.

He walked into the kitchen to see a small note on the counter sitting next to a ten dollar bill. It didn't have to be read for him to know it was from his mom, for just in case she wouldn't be able to get home in time to get them both dinner.

He picked the note up and read it, stuffing the bill in his pocket.

Was it bad for him to pocket it? Yes, it was, he knew that. But there was a large chance that his mom wouldn't be coming home until sometime in the morning the next day, and usually the outcome of seeing the unused dollar bill on the counter would get her a little angry, and he didn't really want to get yelled at, especially in his state of mind recently.

He could sneak it back into her wallet the next time she was home.

He put a pot of water on the stove and started it boiling, getting a mug out of the cabinet. Honestly he didn't know why people didn't like tea. He knew it was considered a "British thing", but he found it calming in mornings like this. Caffeine was a big plus.

The light was barely visible outside, shining very thin through the cracks in the curtains.

Sighing, he sat himself down in the living room and opened his laptop.

It wasn't like him at all, but at the moment, he was legitimately considering skipping school. He really wasn't feeling it in the slightest today. In fact, he was dreading it.

School always terrified him. Since the first time he ever walked one of the hallways, all the way back in preschool, it had absolutely terrified him. The thought of walking down the hall, any sort of interaction with someone that didn't like him, the constant fear of "Do they hate me?"

Sometimes it was way too much to bear.

His thoughts were interrupted when he looked at his inbox and saw he had received an email.

That was weird. He only ever got emails from his teachers, and he was sure no one would be awake now. And even if they were they probably wouldn't take time out of their ridiculously early morning to send him an email.

He opened it.

The first line read: " _Hey, this is Connor."_

What the fuck?

" _I got your email address from Alana, she knows everything lol. Do you need a ride to school today?_ "

Well, he didn't know what he was expecting, but it definitely wasn't that.

Jesus christ, couldn't he get Connor out of his head for five minutes? It was like he was wherever he went. He wouldn't be surprised if he just showed up the next time he went to the fucking grocery store.

He took a deep breath. Should he even respond?

He didn't need a ride to school, his walk from home was so short already, there was really no need. But he didn't want to hurt Connor's feelings. He especially didn't want to get on his bad side. And though he felt that Connor had taken an uncharacteristic liking to him, he still had no idea what was going on in his head, what his reaction would be if he denied his help.

Connor was pushy, not the type that only wants things his way, but in a way that if Evan legitimately didn't want help with anything, he would probably leave him alone. It was... well, charming. Made him want to be around him more.

But still, that wasn't an answer to his question. He didn't know why he was overthinking it so much.

Despite being unsure, he took it upon himself to type out his response.

" _Sure, why not._ "

* * *

Connor's response was almost immediate. He had expected to have to wait for at least twenty minutes, but this came in only five.

" _I'll come pick you up now and we can hang out at the orchard for a while first?_ "

Evan rubbed his neck and took a deep breath. He should have expected that.

He bit down on his nail, contemplating. He really, really wasn't interested in going to the orchard right now. But he also didn't want to pass up the opportunity to see Connor sooner.

What the hell was this? When did he decide this was a feeling he was allowed to feel? God, this was so conflicting.

He decided that, while yes, he still wanted to see Connor, he was not about to go to the orchard at five in the morning.

To compromise?

" _Why don't you just come here and hang out at my house for a bit?_ " he replied.

He had the feeling he was going to regret this, he knew immediately when he hit send. It was like he was unknowingly getting into something bigger than it seemed.

" _Yeah, sure. I'll be there in twenty."  
_

Evan leaned back and looked up at the ceiling.

"Shit."

* * *

He pulled a shirt over his head and looked at himself in the mirror, folding out the sleeves so they covered as much as possible, though he knew that Connor probably wouldn't care.

The sun had gotten a little brighter as it reached around 5:30 in the morning.

He examined himself in the mirror, fixing his hair, which had turned into a nest from his restless night, and decided to put a jacket on over the shirt he was currently wearing. It just didn't cover enough. He struggled a little to get his cast through the sleeve.

Oh god. What would they even talk about? Would there just be a long silence until they would leave for school? He didn't know Connor well enough to just talk about anything he wanted with him.

Inhale, exhale... he'll figure it out when he gets here.

Which should be in about two minutes.

Great.

* * *

Evan heard three quick knocks on the front door as he walked down the stairs. He waited a few seconds and checked around the living room. There was nothing incriminating in here, right?

He looked out the peephole just to make sure it was Connor, and when he saw that it was, he unlocked and opened it.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi."

This was already unbelievably awkward.

Connor stepped inside and scanned the room, slowly inhaled, then said, "Not bad."

Wow. Reassuring.

"Was there any reason you wanted to pick me up at five in the morning?" Evan asked, shutting the door.

"Eh, not really." Connor wandered into the living room without saying anything else.

What kind of answer was that?

Evan blinked, kind of surprised by his answer, and followed.

"Really? Like, no reason at all?"

Connor stopped walking and looked back at him, making eye contact for only a second before breaking it. "Yeah, pretty much."

That was probably the most obvious lie he had ever heard from someone other than himself.

"Are you gonna show me around?"

It was easy to tell that he was avoiding the question. "Sure."

He didn't know why he felt so put together right now. Was he delusional from his lack of sleep? You would think less sleep should mean more anxiety, but he felt more reckless than usual, which was probably why Connor was here right now.

The first interaction he had with Connor was something like a fever dream. It was so odd, riddled with anxiety and confusion. The second time, he was a lot more put together, but still very, very confused and not prepared.

For some bizarre reason, he felt... comfortable? At least, to him it seemed. He probably looked like a complete mess on the outside.

"I'm not allowed in my mom's room when she's not home, but I'm guessing that wasn't exactly something you were hoping to see anyway."

Connor snorted as he followed him into the hallway upstairs.

"This is my room, it's kind of a mess."

"I don't mind."

Evan went to open the door, but hesitated for a second. Did he leave anything out? He didn't remember leaving things out, but he might have just not noticed it from the day before.

Regardless, he pushed it open, stepping aside to let Connor in first. There wasn't really any going back on it now, and it seemed that Connor already knew more about him than anyone he knew, even his mother.

Connor did some mild snooping, looking at his desk, opening a drawer or two, etc. He couldn't bring himself to tell him to stop, for fear he would just snoop more.

Evan sat at the edge of his bed and just watched.

The way he was looking around was a different kind of curiosity from "I wonder what's in here". It seemed like he was trying to find out more about him.

Eventually, he went and sat down on his desk chair, where they sat in silence for a few moments.

"You ever gonna tell me what happened at the orchard?" Connor said.

"Well, no, but... I have the feeling you may have figured it out already."

The edges of his mouth turned up just barely as he rested his head on his fist. "Maybe, but there's no better source than original."

He felt his face get warm and looked down, drumming his fingers on the mattress. This was embarrassing.

He heard a laugh, which made his face feel even warmer, for some reason.

"You're pretty interesting. Why don't you have more friends?"

"I-I don't know. People just don't like me." Evan went to roll up his sleeves, as it was getting uncomfortably warm, only to stop halfway through raising his arm. Shit. He put his hand back down and bunched the blanket into his fist. "Jared is the only person that somewhat tolerates me."

"Tolerates?"

"Uh, yeah. No one really likes me around. They say I'm annoying."

"That's not entirely true."

He tried to ignore it, but there was no doubt the blushing was _very_ visible by now.

"How come you've suddenly been so interested in my life?"

He shrugged. "Dunno."

Evan was getting so many mixed signals. Did Connor like him or not?

* * *

Evan sat cross-legged on the couch in the living room, eyes glued on Connor, who was checking out the room.

There was something so different about his presence than anyone else he knew, he just... couldn't put his finger on it. Every time Connor looked at him he would avert his eyes and act like he had been looking at his phone the whole time, because it would be strange if he knew he was just... staring at him.

He picked up a picture frame off the shelf and looked at it for a moment. "Is this you?" he asked, turning the picture towards him. It was of him as a little kid, at least four, standing next to his mother. There was a rip in the picture that couldn't be seen from just looking at the frame. You would have to take the paper out to actually see that his dad had been ripped out of it.

"Yeah."

Connor lingered with it for a few seconds, only to just put it back on the shelf and sit next to Evan on the couch, about as far on the other side of it as possible.

He brushed a hand down his face and rested his elbow on the arm rest, staring out the window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys are staying safe. Shit's been really fucked up recently.


	5. New Perspective

**Connor POV.**

* * *

Connor carefully observed Evan as he walked around the car.

A slight hesitation was noticeable as he opened the door and sat down, tucking his backpack by his feet. He noticed how closely he was holding it to himself, like he was paranoid that someone would take it from him. Was there something special in there? Something he had to hide?

Damn; he shouldn't be so nosy. It was really difficult to resist the urge to ask about it.

He put the key in the ignition and took his eyes off Evan to pay attention to the road.

"My house is actually pretty close to yours," Connor said, trying to fill the air.

"Really." Evan replied. His voice was the same as before, but he had noticed that, at least today, he seemed much more calm. There was a soothing quality to it now. No longer riddled with anxiety and stuttering.

Well spoken.

Well- -obviously not what he just said; most of his other sentences were the well spoken ones. It gave the impression that he thought a lot about what he was about to say before actually saying it, unlike a lot of people.

"Yeah. It's just down that road over there." He gestured toward a street they were about to pass.

"That's... cool."

Evan often didn't say as much as he wanted to. There was always a short end to his sentences, like he had planned on saying more, but decided it wasn't right and changed his mind. It could have been one of the reasons so many of the things he said were awkward.

Connor had absolutely no clue what he was doing; why he felt the need to get close to him. His sudden interest in the life of someone he had barely even talked to was surprising, and, in a way, confusing.

Just his luck that he would be so curious about someone that was basically his polar opposite.

Especially now.

They pulled into the school parking lot, and, soon after, parted ways.

* * *

The day passed quickly, which seemed fitting. It felt like the time he had spent with Evan before school was longer than actual school was.

Maybe that was a good thing? He never liked school anyway, and he would greatly prefer time with Evan as opposed to time at school, regardless of how difficult it was to talk to him at times.

Before he even reached the door, it had opened, revealing his sister standing with an angry look on her face.

"What?"

"You were supposed to drive me home from school." Her tone was angry.

A slight weight dropped in his stomach and he cursed at himself from the inside. He completely forgot. This was his fault for letting himself get distracted by other things.

He didn't let his disappointment in himself show on his face, instead, replacing it with a scoff and annoyance.

"Well, you made it home, didn't you?" He clenched the strap of his bag and shoved past her.

"You're such an asshole!" Zoe yelled after him as he hurried through the living room. He could hear legitimate anger and disappointment in her voice. It made him kind of angry at himself.

"Good to know," he replied, once again hiding his own anger. He got to his door and slamming it shut behind him before it could escalate more. Usually he was all for a fight to get his anger out, but today, he wasn't really in the mood.

He collapsed on his bed, putting his arm over his face.

Any other day he would be wallowing in absolute self-hate. Not that he wasn't doing it today, but today was different for some reason. He was more confused than anything.

There was no way to articulate the way he was feeling about knowing someone that might think the same way he thinks about himself. Even a little. It was so hard to believe.

From what he had seen before of Evan Hansen, he was a small kid with anxiety issues. No guts to talk to people. Easy to tell he had some pretty big problems, but kind of a surprise that suicidal thoughts would plague a mind like his. He was a smart kid, good at lying when it wasn't really a conscious effort.

He had been trying to get him to open up, even in the smallest way, since he met him only a few days ago. And he was making progress, but it was going to take a while before he could actually get it to happen. He needed to be patient...

Patience wasn't really his thing.

Letting his arm slide down the rest of his face, he stared up at the ceiling.

Evan didn't seem like the kind of guy that would want to be friends with someone like Connor, but for some reason, he wasn't doing anything to push him away. If anything he was pulling him closer. It reeked of lonely kid being desperate for any kind of affection.

Somehow it was endearing.

Connor sat up and pulled his phone out of his pocket.

"Connor! Dinner!" his mom called from downstairs.

He snapped out of his little head-rant. "Yeah, yeah!"

This was what his house usually was like. Constant yelling. It was always either "I'm angry at you, Connor," or "You're too far across the house for you to hear me without yelling". Never something in between, and if so, very rarely.

He looked down at his phone, just staring at the email app, which showed no notifications. Why was he so apprehensive? It wasn't like Evan was going to be the one to seek him out. The kid had no guts.

He scoffed at himself, putting his phone down next to him and looking out the window. What was he thinking? Of course he wasn't going to reach out.

* * *

Setting his food down on the table, he could already feel the heavy air in the room.

And he knew that it was because of him. Why wouldn't it be? They were having a completely regular conversation before he showed up. It always happened like this.

They always stopped being pleasant, stopped being friendly, stopped wanting to be nice. They would pretend they were fine with him being around, but he could tell, they really fucking hated the fact that he decided to sit downstairs with them tonight.

Zoe was avoiding eye contact. His mom was looking from him to her food and back, and his dad, well he just didn't care.

Fine, if that's how it was gonna be.

He immediately picked his plate back up and turned to go back to his room, where he wouldn't be such a nuisance, only for his mom to say, "Hold on Connor, why don't you come sit down with us?"

Zoe's reaction was just obvious disappointment.

"How about no?" he said, trying to make it seem more like he was sick of them (which he was) than rejected.

"Oh, come on. I want to hear about your day!"

He rolled his eyes, continuing to his room. "No thanks."

Guess Evan wasn't the only one that liked to avoid things, huh?

* * *

Connor bet Zoe was real happy about him leaving the room, seeing as almost as soon as he walked away she was talking to their mom again.

And they wondered why he hated himself.

He sat at his desk chair, plate in hand, contemplating if he even had the appetite for it anymore. Chicken and rice, basic. It was plain and barely seasoned.

Placing his food down on his desk, he turned on his computer, immediately opening his empty inbox. Just in case.

Maybe he should email first?

Shit. Was he avoiding him? Should he just not?

Ironically, as he went to close it again, an email showed up, and suddenly he felt heat rush through his body.

The email was from Evan. It read: " _Hey, thanks for the ride this morning._ "

That was it? He felt like that would have taken a shorter amount of time to type that out. And small talk wasn't exactly an email thing.

Guess he shouldn't be disappointed. It was practically a miracle that he even sent it.

Connor spun in his chair, ignoring his food at this point.

Eventually he was going to have to push harder to get what he wanted out of Evan. He had no right to assume that he was suicidal without it being confirmed by him. But his reluctance to open up really said what his real intentions were.

About two minutes passed and he decided to just send the email.

" _No problem,"_ was his reply. " _Do you need a ride tomorrow?_ "

Right, this was a good idea. Such a good idea. Way to go, Connor, get yourself attached to another person that was probably going to just shove him away again. This was totally going to turn out well.

An email showed up. That was fast.

" _Sure. Today was fun._ "

Fun, huh. Not really what he expected. Maybe awkward was better.

" _I'll pick you up at_ "

Wait, when should he pick him up? He had been way too early that day, but that was mainly because he wanted to get out of the house and had an excuse. Pre-made plans weren't really his thing.

He finished, " _I'll pick you up at 6:30? Maybe hang out at your house or go to the orchard before school._ " And sent it before he could have any more second thoughts.

The reply was immediate. " _Just come over whenever, I guess._ "

Alright. That wasn't confusing at all. Cool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BLM. ACAB. Stay safe y'all.


	6. Are You Okay?

**Connor POV.**

* * *

Connor spent the majority of his night just sitting on his phone.

The shorter half, he sat in bed, seeing if there was a way to fall asleep in any way, and inevitably failing. This happened all the time. Most nights he would either stay up late and sleep through the majority of the next day, or not sleep at all.

He leaned against the wall with a sigh. Was he just anxious about picking Evan up late? He could set an alarm, if he was so nervous about it, but those never worked for him. He always ended up sleeping through them or waking up before they went off; if he even slept at all, that is.

He noticed a spider was making a web up in the corner on the other side of the room. He should probably take care of it, but it wasn't bothering him, and he didn't really feel like getting up. He knew for sure if it was in Zoe's room there would be much more of a scene.

He wondered if Evan was awake right now. He had been the day before, but he might have decided to sleep in this time for the sake of being allowed to. Connor looked down at his phone. Despite how sure he was that Evan wasn't going to email him, he was still anxious about missing something.

Trying not to think much, he tapped to compose and typed: " _Emails are kinda difficult to keep track of. What's your number?_ "

Before he hit send, he stopped for a second and contemplated, against his better judgement. Was this a bad decision? What if his family decided to look through his phone and got the wrong idea? Would _Evan_ get the wrong idea? But there wasn't really a chance that his family would look through his phone. They didn't care about anything he did anyway. He was stressing himself out for nothing.

He sent it and put his phone down on his bedside table. He was getting attached to someone that was nothing like him.

Connor bit down on his knuckle, trying to turn his attention away from Evan. At least for the time being, he shouldn't have been relevant. Connor knew he was just trying to come up with excuses to convince himself he had a good reason to be thinking about him this much.

He looked down at his electric clock on his bedside table that read 4:15 AM.

Sometimes, he thought about what his sleep schedule used to be and wished it was like that again. During the time he would go to bed at ten and wake up at seven. That would be basically impossible for him now. Just the thought of trying to correct it to that made him exhausted.

His _entire_ schedule was nothing like it used to be. And it wasn't just sleep. Daily, he would think and do spontaneous dumb things that would mostly backfire. Usually ending up completely eating away at his confidence.

He had learned that people were going to judge him now no matter what he did, what decisions he decided to make, and usually that would boost the confidence thing, but it just made him more aware of what a fuck up he really was. Nothing worked out for him.

The only recent thing he could think of that _had_ would be Evan.

His phone buzzed. That was unexpectedly fast, but he shouldn't have been surprised. Evan was full of surprises. The reply was just his phone number and nothing else. He didn't know why he thought there would be more.

He typed the number into his phone and sent a "hi".

Evan's response was immediate, with a _"Hi, is this Connor?"_

Wow, he spelled his name right. Most people would add an unnecessary E to it. Maybe remove an N.

 _"Yep,"_ was his response. He wanted to add more to it, but he had no idea what, so that was all he decided to say.

" _Cool._ "

Their conversations were so bland. Connor had gone in with the intention of at least having some sort of conversation, but despite how much he actually wanted to talk about, he had no idea what to start with. This was why he didn't like talking to people. Half the time he didn't know what to say.

" _What are you up to?_ " Evan asked. What a small-talk kind of question. At least it was going somewhere.

" _Not much, just chilling. I can't sleep._ "

" _Yeah, me neither._ "

He tapped his chin with his finger, wondering what exactly might be bothering Evan enough to make him stay up this late. In his experience, anyone he knew other than him would be dead asleep right now, but Evan wasn't like that. The underlying impression he got from his passive insomnia was basically, "yeah I'm fucked up but it's not a big deal".

Everyone liked to downplay their issues. But Evan seemed to be a master at it. He was good at hiding things.

Truly, he was clueless. It was so hard to tell what Evan was playing at.

After a few minutes of nothing, he came to the conclusion that the conversation was over.

* * *

Connor left his class midway through, unsure of why he even decided to try and go to it.

He had driven Evan to school in the morning, but he was seeming really out of it. Not enough that he was zombie-like or anything, but enough that he could tell something was wrong.

As he walked down the empty hallway, hurriedly wanting to leave as fast as possible, he noticed something near the lockers. When he went to get a closer look, he saw that it was two people. Evan and someone he didn't recognize.

The guy he didn't recognize was clearly saying something that was upsetting Evan. All that Connor could pick out of what was being said was a "Stop-" as Evan was shoved against the locker in a confrontational way.

The other boy smirked and shoved him again, harder this time, causing Evan let out a small yelp out of fear.

He said something else that he couldn't hear. That seemed to cross the line for Evan, who then kneed him where it hurts and took off running out the front door, leaving his bag on the floor. He couldn't see it very well, but he did notice him actively wiping tears off his face before turning the corner and running out of sight.

Connor couldn't get there in time to try and step in. He felt a little frozen in place, like he was intruding on something he wasn't supposed to see. He snapped out of it as he realized what it implied that Evan would leave school halfway through the day after that type of encounter.

He started walking, the walk soon turning into a run as a slight panic set in. He picked up the bag Evan left behind as he passed, the kid that had been bullying him jumping back at his sudden arrival. He wanted to give him a piece of his mind, but he would have to hold back on that for now.

The doors slammed shut behind him, and he immediately took off running, slinging Evan's bag over his shoulder to make room for more movement.

Why the fuck didn't he step in? He could have stopped him before he ran off.

If he was lucky he wouldn't be showing up to a mangled body next to a tree.

* * *

Evan sat curled up with his knees to his chest, his head buried, under the tree he had broke his arm from. Connor couldn't see his face, but his back was heaving and he looked like he was crying.

Connor couldn't comprehend the relief he felt when he saw that he was fully intact.

He was breathless.

"...Evan?"

There was no reaction.

He walked over and gently lowered himself down next to him, placing the bag he had picked up in his rush to chase after him down. Evan didn't move, letting out a muffled sob. He didn't seem out of breath at all. How quickly did he get there? It made Connor a little embarrassed that he was the only one panting.

It wasn't a good idea to touch him. It could make him panic. Just sitting there was probably the best emotional support he could give at the moment.

Connor looked up at the clear sky, sun shining through the trees that made a pattern on the ground. It was beautiful. He tried to stop himself from looking at Evan just in case he would decide to just randomly look up.

It didn't take long for Evan to stop crying, finally raising his head and taking a deep breath as he wiped the tears from his face. It was admirable how easy it seemed for him to calm down.

"Are you okay?" Connor asked after another moment. He didn't want to rush it.

The only noises were the birds and rustling leaves in the wind, along with Evan's sniffles as he calmed himself.

He saw a squirrel scurry up a tree nearby with a cheek full of food, another one following closely behind. He watched them until they fell out of sight.

"Yes," Evan finally replied in a shaky voice, though it didn't sound very sincere. He sniffed again and wiped his nose on his sleeve. "Um... Can I... can I hug you?"

He raised an eyebrow, unfortunately getting a little flustered. What an unexpected question. But obviously he wasn't going to say no to that. "Sure," he said. He tried to sound casual about it but his heart had started racing.

Evan scooted closer and, kind of hesitantly, wrapped his arms around him, holding surprisingly tightly and even a bit longer than he had expected.

He gently hugged back, a fluttery feeling becoming very present in his stomach. A shiver went down his spine as Evan exhaled, unintentionally warming his shirt with his breath.

Connor wasn't sure what to do, he had never really been in an intimate situation like this with someone like Evan.

Evan hugged tighter. It made him wonder how long it had been since he had actually hugged someone.

After a few seconds, he let himself relax, and pulled him a little closer.

Eventually Evan let go and assumed the same position he had before with his knees to his chest. He didn't scoot away again though.

The hug had only lasted for a few seconds, but it felt like a lot longer. It made him think that maybe he kind of _wanted_ it to be longer.

"Sorry," Evan said. "I'm being really dramatic aren't I."

"No, you're fine."

He laughed, probably out of spite of the situation, and wiped his hands on his jeans. Connor couldn't tell if he was acting again or was legitimately feeling better. There was a new brightness in his eyes as they darted around nervously and he looked a lot more relaxed. That hug must have done something. What it might have been, he didn't know. Maybe it lightened the mood just enough.

"What time does your mom get home?" Connor asked.

Evan checked his phone and he frowned slightly, hiding the screen from Connor's sight. "I'm guessing sometime tomorrow. Why?"

"Do you need me to drive you home?"

He scratched the back of his neck, seemingly indifferent by his question, unlike how he had been every other time he asked. "I was planning on walking, but I guess."

Connor smiled and got to his feet, picking up Evan's bag in one hand and reaching out the other. It took a few seconds of Evan looking up at him for him to realize that he was offering to help him up, his face turning a light shade of pink when he did.

When he was to his feet, they lingered for a second, looking strangely at each other. Connor noticed how blue his eyes were. He hadn't really gotten a chance to see them this close before.

He sprung his hand open and spun on his heal, starting in the direction of the road. "C'mon. My car's back at the school parking lot."


	7. Comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's short, sorry for that. Also sorry my uploads are so inconsistent. Hopefully at some point I'll figure out a schedule for uploads. <3

**Connor POV.**

* * *

When they got to the parking lot, school had just gotten out. Which meant that there were a lot of people around, which caused Connor to feel a little uneasy. He didn't like the thought of people getting the wrong idea after seeing him around Evan.

Evan was wincing a little with excessive movement. Had the boy hit him? He didn't remember seeing him hit him, but he did show up at the end of their interaction. It was hard to say. The way he was carrying himself showed that he was hurt in some way. But he wasn't sure he should ask about it, though he was really curious about what made that happen.

Connor shut the door to his car closed after letting Evan get into the passenger seat and walked around to the other side.

* * *

The sweet smell of Evan's house came through his nose as they walked inside, a sense of familiarity washing over him. It was odd that he felt exponentially more at home here than he did at his own. He guided Evan upstairs into his room and sat him down on his bed.

"Do you need anything?" he asked.

Evan shook his head, his eyes trained to the floor. He looked like he was about to fall asleep any second now. He must have been really tired.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

Obvious lie.

"Okay, well... do you want me to go?"

Evan looked up at him, mild panic appearing in his eyes. "What? No, don't go."

"Okay...?" Connor said, lowering himself down next to him. The entire mood had changed from what it was at the orchard. Evan now seemed more... uncomfortable, hesitant. Not nearly as bold as he was before.

They didn't talk, they didn't do anything, just sat there. Connor contemplated trying to comfort him physically in some way, but thought better of it. He really didn't want to go too far and maybe lose control of himself. He didn't want to become reckless.

Evan inhaled slowly, bunching the sheets in his fist and weaving his fingers through the looser fabric. "Why do you care so much?" he said. "I'm so... uninteresting. It just doesn't make sense."

"What makes you think you're uninteresting?"

He shook his head. "I'm just dull. No one really notices that I'm here."

Connor didn't know whether he should speak his mind. It was pretty much now or never. "I feel like you only think you're dull because you act like it."

"What do you mean?"

He shrugged. "You put up a front to hide the fact that you actually have a personality. It's actually pretty simple."

Evan leaned his weight onto his hand, tilting his head to look at him. "I think I know what you mean, but that doesn't answer my question."

The mood shifted again, as it turned more casual but still managed to maintain the tension that he wished didn't exist.

Connor smirked. "I guess I just like you that much."

"I-"

Evan's phone started ringing before he could finish, and he made a silencing motion as he answered it.

"Yeah, mom?" he said, getting up to begin pacing. His voice while talking to his mom was different than when he talked to Connor. It was quieter, more timid, but at the same time more mature.

If that made sense.

"Oh, the night off...? Right... yeah, okay..." He glanced at Connor. "Are you sure?" A short pause. "Alright. See you later."

He hung up and took a deep breath, before kind of angrily shoving his phone back in his pocket and saying, "She's on her way home. You should go."

Connor let himself frown a little as he got to his feet. "I think we accidentally left your bag in my car. I'll get it for you."

"No, it's fine. You should probably just leave. I'll get it tomorrow."

Connor resisted a smirk. Tomorrow was the weekend, and Evan just assumed that they would hang out like there was nothing to it.

Evan grabbed ahold of his hand, making Connor think about how strange of a choice it was to grab his hand when it could have been his arm, and started dragging him out of the room.

He was getting kicked out. Evan must have really not wanted his mom to find out about him.

That was a little confusing. Wouldn't a mother with a lonely kid be excited to hear that her son had a friend? You would imagine she would be ecstatic.

But maybe that was the problem. Maybe he didn't want it to be a big deal, for her to overreact and start getting too involved, to ruin the one small friendship he had. Connor got that. His own mother would often do the same if there was anything remotely interesting he would happen to mention to her.

Before kicking him out, Evan paused, his hand still in his, but less urgent for just a moment. "Uh... I wanted to thank you. You know, for coming after me." He looked down and nervously tapped the fingers of his free hand against his jeans. "I didn't do anything to myself, but... I might have if you hadn't been there. So, thank you."

Connor smiled. This definitely wasn't going down the path of normal friendship. He didn't care.

"No problem," he said, and Evan looked relieved.

He turned around, releasing his hand, and started towards his car.

"One of these days I'm gonna have to jump out your window," he called over his shoulder, which earned a laugh from behind him.

One last wave before he got in his car.


	8. Strange Feelings

**Evan POV.**

* * *

The moment Connor went out of sight, Evan nearly collapsed against the wall from relief, letting himself start to panic a little and putting his hand over his chest.

He had never had to put on an act like that for so long. It was a miracle that Connor hadn't noticed, being the oddly perceptive person that he was. But also, being the good liar he was, maybe he did and just didn't say anything.

He exhaled as he tried to calm himself, lowering his body to the floor and pressing up against the wall. He felt the sudden urge to cry again.

No. He couldn't. At least not here. His mom could walk in at any second. He would be better off in his room, where at least there would be a gap between where she would enter and where he would be.

Despite how much he wanted to just let himself go limp and wallow on the floor, he mustered up the strength to get up the stairs and close the door behind him.

Collapsing on his bed, he didn't bother to turn off the light or pull the blankets over himself. It wasn't late, but he felt like he was going to pass out any second.

And he had been so distracted by what was happening earlier that he forgot tell his mom that he left school early, but it was past school hours now, at least. If he felt like coming clean about it he would just lie and say he felt sick.

She never questioned when he lied about sickness. In fact, sometimes she would take it a little too seriously. Pestering him about how he felt. He guessed being a nurse didn't translate very well between work life and home life. One of the issues he had with her was that she seemed to care just a little too much.

He knew that she meant well. It was just annoying sometimes.

Not long after he lay down, he heard the door squeak open from downstairs and his mom calling, "I'm home!"

He never knew how to reply to that, what to say to announce that he himself was home as well. A simple "cool"? Maybe an "okay"? He always ended up using one of those, but tonight, he didn't know what to say. It was hard to talk to her, knowing that he was lying to her about how his days have been.

"Okay!" he called back, feeling the need to actually say something. He hoped she didn't find the amount of time it took for him to reply odd.

A small wait, and he hoped that his mom wouldn't decide to come check on him, but eventually there was a small knock on the door before it immediately opened.

He didn't understand why people bothered to knock if they were just going to barge in anyway.

"Hi, honey," she said. She seemed to have a habit of that. A baby name. It was one of the things he didn't mind much about her though.

He sat up and looked up at her as she walked around his bed and opened his bedside drawer.

"Refills?" she asked, picking up the pill bottle to check the contents. The pills inside clanked around as she looked. What was inside seemed to satisfy her, so she put it back and closed the drawer. "How was your day?"

"It was alright," he answered, and the lie just poured out. "I felt sick near the end of the day and got sent home early. I'm fine though."

"Oh, that's weird. Why didn't I get a call about it?"

He shrugged, the feeling of lying to her oddly casual. "I don't know. They must have not found it very important since it was so close to the end of the day."

"You're feeling better now?"

"Yeah."

She leaned down and put her hand on his forehead anyway. "You're a little warm though..."

"I'm fine, mom." He pushed her hand away, gently, so she wouldn't get the wrong idea.

"Alright, alright."

She gave him a pat on the head as she turned to leave. "I'm guessing you haven't eaten tonight. Want me to make something?"

"No, I'll figure it out myself." _Like I do with everything,_ he thought, but didn't say.

A look. _That_ look. The one she gave every time she didn't agree with something he said. Whether it be a lie or a preference, it was always, _always_ that face.

But she just turned and walked away, not even bothering to close the door behind her. From his experiences, she was probably going to go and make him something anyway, despite him saying he didn't want it and despite the fact that she needed rest.

He wanted to turn over and fall asleep right now, but it was still light out. Of course that didn't mean it was completely off the table... he could go to bed whenever. But it just felt wrong for it to still be light out.

He pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath before standing and making his way downstairs.

"Hey, mom?" he said when he reached the kitchen, where she was just staring into the fridge.

"Yeah, hon?"

"I'm going to bed early. Just thought I'd let you know."

She frowned at him. "Are you alright? I thought you said you were feeling better."

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just tired."

"At least take a shower first. You stink enough as it is."

He rolled his eyes and turned around.

* * *

Evan brushed a hand through his hair after drying it with the towel, not bothering to brush it. It was short enough.

He let his towel fall to the floor and ripped off the plastic bag he had put on his cast to prevent the water from getting inside it. He hated the inconvenience it brought. He had to take too many precautions to stop it from getting ruined.

The fact that he would have to live with this for another seven months... he wished he hadn't tried in the first place.

Once he was dressed, he lay on his bed once more, again not bothering to pull the sheets up.

Most of the time he had been sort-of alone today, he had been trying to distract himself from the thought of Connor. But now his mind was very pushy as he wallowed in the dark.

He groaned as he remembered what he did that day; how he hugged him.

"Shittt," he said to himself as he tried not to curl into a ball of self-hate. This was why he didn't have any friends. He always got too attached and would end up doing something stupid.

 _Stupid_.

Evan hadn't really had crushes on people. He often found himself just noticing someone from afar who obviously wouldn't like him back, so he would eventually just get over it and move on to some other unrequited crush. It happened a lot, but...

It had never been a boy before.

He clenched his fist, his fingernails digging into the palm of his hand.

This wasn't good at all. Not one bit. He didn't like it.

It didn't help that it was someone that wouldn't feel the same way for him no matter how hard he tried. Connor was just someone the wanted to be a good friend to him, someone who cared, even just a little. He was sure that if he let himself get better mentally that he would just leave him.

He let his arm fall over his face, covering his eyes and trying to resist the urge to cry.

Was it wrong to feel this way? He felt... gross. It just didn't feel right. He didn't have anything against people that weren't straight; even Connor hadn't done anything to hide his sexuality from anyone. He didn't come out, but it was just known around school that he was gay. Their school was really accepting of that kind of thing. A lot of the students were queer and gladly so. But he was certain that it would be terrifying nonetheless to be out to so many people, despite how supportive said people were.

The way Evan found out about Connor's sexuality was Jared, who liked to gossip about everything to him. No one could hide things from him.

He sighed and stared up at the ceiling. To think, after all this time, all the time he spent alone, he only now noticed himself questioning this.

He wasn't sure how to feel. He didn't even find it very abnormal, he was just confused as to why the hell he hadn't noticed it before. How come Connor was the first time he was experiencing this? Shouldn't there be signs in the past of these sort of things? You would think that it would all come together at one random moment like it did in books and movies, but it felt more... new. Like it only showed up now.

The confusion of all this made him want to vomit, turning over in his bed and setting an alarm. He could at least try to sleep. Even though he knew it wasn't going to happen.

* * *

**Connor POV.**

* * *

Connor didn't know what led him to sit at the dinner table tonight.

The air was awkward, tense, as it always was. The only conversation was between Zoe and their mother.

"How was school?" his mother asked him eventually, and he just didn't answer. It would be a little hard to explain stopping someone from killing themself again, regardless of the fact that he didn't.

Zoe took his lack of a response as an opportunity to yet again become the center of attention, launching into a rant about how her day went and how oh so interesting her classes were.

Connor tuned them out, poking at his food, trying not to lose it. There was no reason for him to be here. He was so uninterested in the conversation it was making him feel sick.

Just as he was about to grab his plate so he could run away, because he lost his appetite and was just that bored, Zoe said something that nearly made him freeze.

"I met a kid named Evan," she said. "Really shy. He stutters a lot. He broke his arm earlier this month, and I offered to sign his cast, but he said no, for some reason."

He wondered if it was because she was related to Connor. Would that have made it awkward if she did sign it? Either way, he was very uncomfortable right now. The sheer thought of his family finding out that he was friends with Evan made him almost scared.

"Someone else had signed his cast," she said, and looked at him with knowing eyes. "Connor."

He almost flinched. Why did he feel like he had just been caught doing something wrong?

"I'm pretty sure I saw you with him at the orchard earlier today. Was that you?"

Two sets of eyes on him. Obviously his dad didn't care.

"No," he said, keeping his gaze to the table. He couldn't even bring himself to look at either of them.

She shrugged and took a bite of her food, a smirk appearing on her face that their parents hopefully couldn't see. "Must have been a different Connor."


	9. Slow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry if this chapter seems a little sloppy, it was a little rushed. If you see any mistakes please point them out and I'll fix it immediately!

**Evan POV.**

* * *

Evan woke up to his alarm going off.

The noise blared in his ear. He turned over and frantically felt around for his phone, only for him to accidentally hit it with the back of his hand and knock it off his bed.

He groaned, shoving his face back into his pillow. He almost didn't want to go turn it off, just leave it to continue being annoying under his bed, forgotten and alone. But he remembered that his mom was home, and it would probably be more annoying to her than it was to him. She needed sleep too.

With a long, heavy sigh, he slowly shoved the bed sheets off his body and got on his knees to fish his phone out of where it tumbled to under the bed.

He didn't even know why he bothered to set an alarm for today. It was the perfect chance to sleep in and just take his time, a day for his mental health, something like that. People took mental health days.

But no. He decided he would rather wake up unceremoniously at seven in the morning instead of have an actually healthy sleep schedule.

He leaned back onto his knees, taking a deep breath. It wasn't like it had been like his other nights, at least this time at least he had gotten a normal amount of sleep, regardless of the fact he woke up mid-reset. But he hated that every time he slept a normal amount he always felt more tired than usual.

When he lazily checked his notifications after getting up and sitting on the edge of his bed, adrenaline rushed through him that forced him to stop being miserable about only sleep.

" _Wanna meet at the library at 9?_ "

The text was from Connor, sent only an hour before he checked it. Evan hoped in the back of his mind that it didn't worry him that he didn't reply until now. It wasn't exactly his thing to sleep in, and he was guessing that Connor had figured that out by now.

" _Sure,_ " he replied, and wasn't sure what led him to add, " _maybe I could help you get your grades up._ "

Surprisingly, it was marked read almost immediately, and Evan was already watching the three small dots in the bottom left corner of the screen as Connor typed out his response.

Honestly he kind of missed the emails. At least then he could hide the fact that he had read what was said. Here, he had to ignore it for an amount of time to prevent from seeming desperate.

" _You saying I'm not smart?_ " The text came in after only a few seconds.

He felt himself smile and covered his mouth with his hand. He liked pushing Connor's buttons in just the right way. It made it funny.

" _Maybe._ "

_..._

" _Ha ha. See you later nerd._ "

He put his phone down next to him and ran his hands down his face. For some reason it was so exhilarating to talk to him, even while texting. Their conversations were always short but sweet.

He got to his feet, making his way slowly to the door. Connor's texts might have gotten him more awake, but it hadn't gotten rid of the tired entirely. He still needed to get up and around for at least ten minutes before he could feel fully awake.

This happened every time he decided to try and get better. He always ended up feeling worse than before.

Evan walked down the stairs, noticing his mom's car was still in the driveway but she wasn't up. Figured. It was kind of early and she always tended to sleep in when she was home.

He picked a mug from the cabinet and started some water boiling on the stove, leaning against the counter and staring out the window as he bit down on his fingernails.

* * *

Evan grabbed an apple from the counter and took a bite out of it, tearing off a piece of paper from a notebook he had left in the living room the day before.

He had already finished his tea and figured this was the right time to leave. Four miles sounded long to walk, but honestly, it was only twenty minutes or so. He would probably show up early. Which he didn't mind.

He wrote down where he was going on the note and put it with a piece of tape down on the counter next to her stuff, where he was sure she would see it when she inevitably woke up way before he got back. He figured it was a good idea to just leave a note rather than give her a heart attack. He was going to text her when he got there, too.

He ate his apple as he walked down the sidewalk. The library was about the same distance away from his house as the hospital was, so he didn't really have to worry. He could all the time he felt he needed. And if he showed up early, he could read or play on his phone for a while. Win/win.

Libraries were nice. Quiet. There wasn't a chance that he could feel out of place there because he himself was a quiet, introverted person, that generally didn't enjoy being around people. He could escape the idea that he had to fit in.

The people at his school were generally either mildly introverted or extroverted. He was one of the exceptions as someone who was VERY introverted and closed off. A lot of the kids at school didn't like talking about their deep feelings, from what he'd heard from Jared, but they did seem to enjoy complaining about their everyday issues.

He wasn't sure why he didn't go to the library more often than he did. He borrowed a lot of books from it, just walk in and walk out without a second thought, but only occasionally did he decide to stick around for more than two or so minutes.

The librarian greeted him as he walked in, giving him simply a nod before going back to tapping away at her keyboard. She was usually the one that sat at the front desk. He had gotten used to her being the first person he would see whenever he went to pick something up or drop something off.

He browsed through one of the isles as he let himself begin to relax in the silent and comforting atmosphere, picking something out and sitting down at a table in the corner that sat in front of a window.

* * *

About twenty minutes passed, and someone plopped a bag down on the desk with a thud, causing him to nearly jump out of his skin. It took him a second to notice it was his own bag.

"Yo," Connor said, an amused smile on his face as he took joy in the scare. "I had the feeling you were going to show up early." He must have snuck up on him. He would have noticed him show up otherwise.

He rolled his eyes, trying to play it off. "You didn't need to _jumpscare_ me."

Connor laughed as he walked around and leaned against the back of his chair to peak over his shoulder. "What are you reading?"

Something hot rushed through his stomach and he tried to ignore it, clearing his throat. It was difficult to tell if he was flustered about his book choice or Connor hovering above his shoulder. He closed the book with his finger marking the page his was on and showed it to Connor, revealing it was a wildlife guide.

He quirked an eyebrow. "Seriously?"

Evan felt the heat transfer to his face as he shrugged, probably failing to keep himself looking casual. "I like trees."

"Noticed." Connor pulled over a chair and sat down across from him. "I brought your bag."

"I saw. Thanks."

Connor looked at him weirdly for a second, his eyes skimming over his entire face in a strangely analytical way. "How are you feeling?"

"Why do you ask?" he said, avoiding the question. He gnawed on the inside of his cheek to try and prevent himself from doing something stupid.

Connor tapped the table with his finger. "I didn't want to say anything about it yesterday, but I noticed you were flinching in a painful way a lot. Did that kid that was bullying you hit you?"

And that made him flinch, which was ironic. How had he noticed that? He was certain at the time that he had hidden that well.

"Uh... no..." Evan tried not to think about how obvious of a lie that was.

Connor laced his fingers together, glaring out the window with a furious look in his eyes. Though it didn't seem to be directed at him. "What was it about?" he asked.

"Oh, it was nothing. He was just a bully."

"You've been getting bullied?"

He nodded. He had sort of expected that to be a given, considering his social status. Maybe it was just difficult for him to believe. After all, it was only the kid that Connor had witnessed who did the bullying. Someone who he didn't have to deal with too often. Mostly just a shove in passing.

This time had been different. It didn't help that he didn't even know his name, but it was especially bad that he would go as far as to try push someone to kill themself.

Evan tried to catch Connor's eye, but when he couldn't, slumped back in his chair and flipped through the pages of the book.

He had hoped that today would be a good day but it seemed that it had taken a turn that he didn't like. And though it was flattering that Connor obviously cared, it still made him uneasy that maybe he would take it a little too far.

"Just so you know," he said, almost unsure what he had planned on saying but hoping it would turn out humorous or lighten the mood, "He, uh... didn't hit _that_ hard."

Connor furrowed his eyebrows in a confused kind of way. "That... was not a good joke."

The slight bit of humor he had felt left him as he replied, "I know. I tried."

A smirk. "It was a nice try."

He let himself smile a little, looking back down at the book, though he had partially lost interest in it at this point. He slowly pushed it to the side and rested his head in his hand, looking up at Connor, who had finally decided to maintain eye contact with him for more than only half a second.

"How come you wanted to meet here instead of the orchard?" Evan asked.

Surprisingly, Connor didn't break the eye contact, instead lowering his hands onto his lap and looking at him with a different, unidentifiable gaze. "My sister saw me with you at the orchard yesterday. I didn't want her to see us there again and get the wrong idea."

"The wrong idea?"

Connor gave him a look. "You know what I mean."

Jesus christ. It felt like his face was going to melt off. "O-oh..."

"Speaking of..." he leaned forward, his eyes having a curious light in them that he hadn't seen before, "why-"

"Excuse me?" They both looked up. A girl, about their age, stood in front of them, pointing at the empty seat next to Connor. "Is this seat taken?"

Connor's expression turned to a cold disappointment as he stood. "No, we were just leaving anyway." He nodded to Evan, who took a second to pick up the book he had and grab his bag before he got up.

"What were you saying?" he muttered as they walked away, trying to keep it down low. He pushed the book back into the shelf he had taken it from.

"It doesn't matter," was all the reply he got, and it wasn't talked about again.


	10. Thoughts

**Evan POV.**

* * *

Evan and Connor walked down the sidewalk together.

It was so weird that things were going this normal. Knowing himself, Evan usually messed up casual hang outs, such as basically every time Jared had to come over for something family-related and had been forced to hang out with him.

"Where are we going?" Evan asked, trying to get embarrassing memories of Jared out of his head.

"I don't know, where do you want to go?"

"Let's just wander mindlessly until we figure it out." He got the slightest of chuckles out of Connor that made his stomach almost leap.

* * *

Mindless wandering seemed to do the trick, because they ended up at a small cafe almost an hour and a half away from where they started, after a lot of walking without talking and a bit of teasing banter.

At first he had decided that he didn't want to get anything from the cafe they ended up at, but Connor... somewhat forced him to. Asking what he wanted, and when told he hadn't brought any money, just shrugged and said, "I'll pay."

Much to Evan's dismay.

He ended up just getting a small coffee that didn't cost much. He really didn't like the idea of other people paying for his stuff, especially something as small as a coffee that he could usually afford himself.

He knew that Connor's family was a somewhat rich one, but it still made him feel bad. He didn't enjoy taking money from someone other than his own mom.

"What are you planning tomorrow?" Connor asked eventually, breaking the silence as they sat at an outside table. The sun had started to come out again, but it was just peaking out of the clouds and was probably going to disappear again eventually. It had been getting a little colder recently.

Evan swished the coffee in his cup around and shrugged. "I have a session with my therapist at four."

"Oh, you have a therapist?"

"Yeah. I see her about once every two weeks."

"That's cool."

Evan looked away and suppressed a sigh as the silence settled yet again. It seemed that the majority of their interactions consisted of awkward, prolonged silences and unspoken communication. He did enjoy a nice, comfortable silence that left him to think about things to say before saying them, but these were awkward, tense, and always ended up making him overthink things because of how _long_ said silences happened to be.

That, and he felt that it wasn't easy for him to think straight around Connor. How ironic.

Maybe if he learned to start any sort of conversation with something other than dumb, easily answered questions, things might be easier.

You would think that he would consider Connor a friend by now, that he could talk to him better than this, but he was starting to have the feeling that they were beginning to be a little... more than friends, and he had no idea how to deal with it.

The more he thought about it, the more he contradicted himself. He just needed some time alone to think about where to go with this, even though he was sure he wouldn't know what to think then either. He didn't have any friends to confide in, all he could do was keep it to himself. He lied to his therapist a lot anyway.

He couldn't go to his mom about it because she would have no idea what to say, and trying to talk to her about serious things always made him more anxious than normal. Definitely not Jared. He was probably too busy eating bath bombs to actually pay attention to what Evan had to say.

So, no. He wasn't going to Jared, or his mom; not even his therapist. He was just going to keep it to himself just like he did with everything.

"You good?" Connor asked, snapping him out of it. He somehow hadn't realized how long he had been staring off into space.

"Uh- -yeah. Sorry. I zoned out," he replied, feeling warmth slowly creeping up to his face and cursing at himself from the inside about how obvious it probably was.

It was better to just let his feelings dwell for as long as they needed and eventually fade. He knew if he tried to suppress them it would only make things worse, so he was just going to live with the knowledge that they were there and wait for them to go away.

He took a sip of the coffee he had gotten and checked his phone. His mom had left for work, and she said that he was allowed to take as much time as he needed at the library and that his education was important. She also reminded him that he had forgotten his laptop at home.

She had probably been snooping in his room again, because that was the last place he left it to his knowledge.

So, he had free range for the rest of the day, huh. He wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. On one hand, he could basically do whatever he wanted, but on the other, that robbed him of any excuse he had to get away from Connor. If he wanted to leave, he would have to tell him the brutal truth, and he just... didn't like hurting people's feelings.

He saw Connor check his watch out of the corner of his eye. "Hypothetically, if I were to ask you to come over, what would your answer be?" Connor said suddenly.

He barely knew how to reply to that, but he felt that if he said no, the opportunity would be lost, so he just shrugged and replied, "Hypothetically, if I were to be asked this hypothetical question, my answer would probably be... maybe."

A smile spread across Connor's face, and he asked, "So, literally this time, do you want to come over?"

"Sure."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this one seems short! I've recently been struggling with writers block so the next chapter may not come out for a while. I hope you understand! <3


	11. Closer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! So randomly I got a lot of inspiration at like three in the morning and wrote basically this whole thing in one sitting, and I didn't really look back to edit it, so forgive me if it's absolute dogshit
> 
> Okie bye

**Evan POV.**

* * *

Connor's house was different.

It was oddly clean, almost pristine. Someone in this house was definitely persistent about keeping things neat. The hallway was filled with floral decor, a couple of trying-to-be-stylish mirrors were placed between the rooms. Pretty, but in an artificial way. It was bland. No personality.

Connor's room contrasted it almost completely, band posters hung up on the walls, stuff on the floor, everything was in disarray. But there was personality in it. It wasn't completely bland. Though if this had been his first impression of Connor, he would heave steered clear of him as much as possible, it felt like he was just seeing something interesting about his life that he had yet to beforehand.

It was needless to say he was relieved to learn that no one else was there. But then again, he doubted Connor would invite him over if his family was home.

He couldn't remember the last time he had gone to someone's house just for the sake of going there. Sure, sometimes Jared would come over when something family-related would happen, but that was against his will, and he never seemed to enjoy any of it. Evan was sure it was because he was awkward and just ruined every chance of a somewhat normal friendship.

"Sorry for the mess, I didn't plan to have you over," Connor said, tossing his keys down on his desk. He looked like he was trying to be casual but Evan could see the nerves behind his expression.

"I don't mind," he replied.

He looked down at Connor's bed, noticing how oddly tidy it was compared to the rest of his room. The wall next to it had a few printed pictures of Connor and his family pinned to it. They looked old, probably taken when Connor was about ten or eleven, and he and Zoe looked a hell of a lot happier in those than what he had seen of them in the present.

Honestly he barely thought about what it would be like to have a sibling. Sometimes he wondered how differently his life may have gone if his parents did end up having more than one child, how many things would have changed. Would he just have another friend, and things be the same as they were now? Or maybe it would turn out the way it had for Connor and Zoe, and they would end up falling out for whatever reason and not being close at all.

"So, there was something I wanted to talk to you about, and I figured it would be easier to do it if we were alone," Connor said.

Evan's heart started beating a bit faster. Getting right to the point, wasn't he. "What's that?"

Connor put his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels, seemingly nervous. "What's your sexuality?"

Only for a moment, he felt relief. He had been afraid it was going to be something much more serious. But a split second later, he started to panic again. How was he supposed to answer a question that Evan himself didn't know the answer to?

He forced his face to remain neutral as he stared up at Connor, crossing his arms over his chest and trying his best to keep his voice steady. "Am I allowed to say that I don't know?"

Connor looked surprised; he couldn't tell if it was in a good or bad way; and his eyes wandered for a moment before settling on him again. "Of course."

He bit the inside of his cheek. Odd. He didn't know what he expected, but he wasn't sure whether to be relieved or uneasy. He was the first person he talked to about this, and despite it being one of their shorter conversations, it felt personal. It wasn't often he talked about the things in his head outside of therapy.

"Was that it?" he asked. He hoped he didn't seem angry or anything.

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Alright..." He pinched the bridge of his nose as a sudden pain went through his head. "Uh... yeah, I just... I haven't really figured everything out yet."

"Have you talked to anyone else about it?"

"No."

"Do you... _want_ to talk to anyone about it?"

He tightened his grip on his own arm. He hated, _hated_ that this was what was brought up. Just after he swore to himself that he wasn't going to talk about it, just after he had promised himself that this shit was going to stay in his head. "I don't know. It's just confusing."

When he was met by silence, he looked up at Connor again, who looked speechless. What an unnatural look on him.

He smiled teasingly. "Why bring it up if you're not going to say anything about it?"

"To be honest, I just didn't think I'd get this far from such a forward question."

Neither did he.

"I've made things awkward, haven't I," Connor said.

"N- -well, yes, but it's always awkward."

"I kind of wish it wasn't."

He felt a pang of guilt. He always made things awkward, didn't he. "Yeah, me too."

Connor looked like he was silently scolding himself as he pulled his desk chair closer and sat down. "What time do you need to be home?"

"Not until, like, noon tomorrow, why?"

"You don't have a curfew?"

He shrugged. "Well, I do, but I lie about it a lot."

The corners of his lips turned up and he said, "Me too. What time?"

"Seven thirty."

"It's already eight."

"I know."

Evan decided the subject from before had been left alone, so he relaxed, leaning against the closed door behind him. He hadn't thought about how they had spent the entire day together and somehow weren't sick of each other yet.

"You disregard rules easily," Connor said. He seemed to be a lot more interested in keeping a conversation up than earlier.

"Only certain ones."

"Such as?"

"...Most of the ones that my mom makes."

The slight curl of his lips turned into a smile. "You never seemed like the rule-breaking type."

"I suppose I wouldn't be, if my mother knew how to make rules."

It turned to a laugh, and Evan felt himself get a little giddy because of it. Connor's laugh wasn't that rare, but when it was genuine, it was attractive.

"Your house is surprisingly close to mine," Evan said to stifle the blush before it showed up. "I could walk here. It'd take like, fifteen minutes."

"Yeah, I was surprised too. I guess I just never thought to go down that area until I met you."

Evan's phone buzzed and he pulled it out of his pocket, reading a text from his mom that said, " _Are you home?_ "

He rolled his eyes and typed out, " _Yeah, why?_ "

" _Just checking. You never said anything about getting home._ "

" _I must have forgot, sorry._ "

And she didn't answer. He found it ironic that she always took forever to reply to him, while if he didn't reply within five minutes, she would start freaking out.

He noticed Connor looking at him as he shoved his phone back into his pocket.

"Whelp, you know what my house looks like," Connor said.

"Yep."

Quiet for half a second, before Connor continued. "Do you want to stay for a bit longer? My family won't be home for another two hours and I'm gonna be bored out of my mind."

He laced his fingers together. "Sure, why not. I have nothing better to do."

* * *

Honestly, to Evan, the only good thing about Connor's house other than it being pretty was the personality in Connor's room.

The kitchen was spotless, and it kind of annoyed him that the Murphy's, chaotic of a family they were, were cleaner than he was. He guessed he shouldn't be disappointed in himself about that. He was only one person, after all.

Family photos were hung up everywhere, some of which he noticed didn't have Connor in them. It was kind of sad that he was left out so much.

Evan felt slightly on edge here. It felt like bad memories were buried.

He picked up one of the pictures that was sat in the middle of the dining table, one of the few that Connor was in, though he looked unwilling.

Connor saw him looking at it and said, "That was taken this summer. They basically had to force me to take it with them."

"You don't seem to be very happy to be in it," he replied.

"Yep."

He placed it back down. "Your family really likes pictures."

"Yours doesn't?"

He shook his head. "The only ones that are hung up in our house are the ones on that shelf in the living room from years ago. And I don't think I've take a casual one in a few years, at least."

Connor contemplated for a second, then smiled, grabbing his phone which had been lying face down on the table and pointing the camera at Evan.

"Connor-"

"Oh, come on, you'll look back on this with fondness."

He rolled his eyes, not being able to control the redness in his face.

"Smile."

"No."

"If you don't, I'm gonna take a bad one and hang it up everywhere."

"Connor!" He covered his face with his hands, because he was actually feeling one coming on.

"C'mon, Ev, you'll love it."

He peaked through the gap in his fingers. "'Ev'?"

This time it was Connor's face that flushed, and he said, "It's a nickname."

"I know, it just caught me off guar- -"

"Oh, shit, it was recording."

"Wha- -Connor! Turn it off!" The heat in his face got more intense as he grabbed at the phone, and Connor held it higher than he could reach, laughing his ass off.

Not thinking, he set a hand on Connor's shoulder to get support as he tried to get the phone from him, and Connor's movements stiffened slightly as he said, "Relax, relax, it's not recording anymore," and showed the screen to him. Then he grinned. "But I'm definitely not deleting it."

Now they were closer than before, and Connor was breathing a little quickly, enough that Evan could feel it. He caught his eye and immediately felt a chill to go down the length of his spine. He wanted to be closer...

He quickly let go of his shoulder, taking a step back to provide distance between them, and laughed to play it off.


	12. Siblings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! This one's short, so sorry about that. I've been working on the next one for a bit though, so hopefully I'll be able to get it out within the next few days.

**Connor POV.**

* * *

Connor felt something odd as he sat at his window, looking out at the night sky, not doing a very good job of getting Evan off his mind as he rewatched the video he had taken of him earlier.

It made him feel... giddy? He was unsure whether this was a good feeling or not, but based on the way butterflies fluttered every time something so much as a _blanket_ brushed his shoulder, he didn't know if he really cared.

He took a puff of the cigarette he held between his fingers as he shoved down a stupid smile. Good feeling or not, he didn't like the idea of him getting too reckless about it. He had no legitimate evidence that Evan reciprocated these feelings.

Every time he closed his eyes, Evan was there. It felt like these feelings had been dwelling for a while, and were only acknowledged now.

"What are you doing?"

He looked over his shoulder, seeing his sister standing at his door, and didn't waste any time in replying, "What, am I not allowed to look out the window now?"

She leaned against the door frame, crossing her arms. "That wasn't exactly what I was talking about, but okay."

Connor put out the cigarette. "What do you want?"

"We passed Evan on the way home, any guesses as to why he's in the neighborhood?"

Shrugging, he looked back outside so he didn't have to strain his neck looking at her. "No idea."

"Don't play stupid. What are you two up to?"

"What's it to you?"

"I can't be curious about what's going on in my dear old brother's life?"

He rolled his eyes and leaned back. "You never were before."

"Why not now?"

"What are you playing at, Zoe?"

She stepped into his room and shut the door behind her, as if that would give them any privacy if either of their parents decided to listen in, and took a deep breath before going, "We haven't argued about anything since you started hanging out with him. I just want to know about the guy who's making my brother somewhat bearable."

There was a second where he just looked at her. He didn't remember the last time he had been in a room alone with her and it didn't end in an argument. He guessed that was the point of this, though.

"Yeah, no," he said, getting to his feet.

"What? Why?"

"It's just none of your business, that's all." As she looked like she was about to make a big deal about it, he said, "Just like you and Alana is none of _my_ business."

That struck a nerve. She looked furious.

But, when he thought she was going to start yelling at him, she suddenly sighed and shoved her hands in her hoodie pockets, her face a very light shade of pink. "You don't have to be so defensive all the time. You know I wouldn't judge you if you talked about your issues with me. Well, not anymore, at least."

He almost reeled back from how sudden that was.

She shrugged before he could say anything. "I- -I just know I never seem like I care."

There was a pause, in which he glanced around the room and noticed how fucking stupid he looked, having this conversation here, in this mess. "What brought this on?" he asked. It wasn't often his little sister would say something like this to him. It seemed too real.

"Let's just say I judged you a little too hard and feel bad about it." She opened the door and peaked over her shoulder before going. "Connor," she said.

"What?"

"Keep Evan around."

And she left, almost as quick as she came.


	13. Picture-Perfect Afternoon

**Connor POV.**

* * *

"It sounds like she was trying to apologize," Evan said the next day when the conversation about Zoe was brought up.

"Well, obviously."

Evan shrugged and took a bite of the sandwich he was eating. They were sitting at the orchard, where Evan had suggested they go when asked if he wanted to hang out after his therapy session. Apparently his mom was home and that made him nervous to go anywhere that wasn't here. Connor understood that.

You could really tell he was in his element here, at the orchard. Whereas yesterday he was awkward and fidgety, here, he was more down to earth. He was so much more confident than he had been anywhere else; it made Connor think about when he drew in front of him the very first time they hung out. Despite him being that bold the first time, he hadn't even seen so much as a hung up drawing since.

It was a bummer. From what he had seen before, he was a very good artist, despite what Evan might think of it himself. He wished he could see more of it.

"I don't know much about how siblings reconcile," Evan said, "seeing as I'm an only child. But I feel like you should wait until she approaches you again and think on it in the meantime."

It wasn't like he hadn't thought of that already, but he appreciated Evan's attempt. "Since when were you my new voice of reason."

"Have I not been?"

He elbowed him in the side, which earned a chuckle.

Smiling, he looked away from him and up at the trees. It was difficult to believe that he and Evan had become close enough that this teasing was almost second nature. But sometimes it made him wonder why someone as bright and witty as Evan would even bother with him. He didn't know how to feel on the off chance that he might only be sticking around him for the sake of paying him back after finding him when he broke his arm.

Connor ran a hand down his face, hating himself for even contemplating the question he was about to ask. But after all this wondering, he really needed an answer, even if it wasn't going to be a good one. "Ev," he said.

"Yeah?" He was mildly surprised that Evan didn't even react to the nickname. He had expected at least a flush.

"How come you hang out with me?"

Evan's eyebrows furrowed, not as concerned as it was confused as he leaned back and fell into the grass, staring up at the sky, getting the look in his eye he always got when he was going to say something interesting. "I guess I just like you that much," he finally replied.

He looked down at him, slightly shocked, and suddenly felt something well up that caused him to look away again. "Stealing my lines," he mumbled.

"You said it first, not me- -Oh, look at this."

He felt an abrupt tug on the back of his shirt, and he was pulled down with a thud next to Evan, who was pointing at the sky with his free hand at one of the clouds that was almost scarily accurate to a bird.

"Whoa," he said. "That's kinda eerie."

"Still cool, though," Evan pointed out.

"Yeah, still cool."

Evan yawned, running his hands down his face, and said, "It really is beautiful to look at. Sometimes I just come down here to take in the view."

His stomach twisted as Evan shifted a bit closer. Hopefully the fact that he could barely move wasn't too visible.

"I can see why," Connor said.

Maybe it would be better to just give his feelings away and get it over with. But every time he thought about it, he thought about what might happen if Evan didn't feel the same way. It would probably completely ruin the friendship they had.

But then again, he had taken note earlier of the fact that this was not going down the path of a normal friendship. Maybe...

He sat up, crisscrossing his legs and looking down at Evan, who seemed the best he had ever seen him, staring up at the sky with those blue eyes and slight smile on his face. Just looking at him, Connor could see the adoration he held for this place. It almost reminded him of how he used to feel, when his family would have picnics here. When they were actually happy. It brought nostalgia whenever he so much as drove past it.

He didn't want to ruin that with his stupid feelings. If he tried to tell him about them and it didn't go well, this orchard would turn into the place he was rejected by someone he fell hard for, as opposed to the place that harbored the little happy memories he had.

Evan took a deep breath through his nose, sighing as he exhaled and closing his eyes. Just watching him in his element for a moment made his heart almost leap. He really needed to get this shit under control.

Suddenly, Evan got to his feet, a random spring in his step, and said, "Follow me," before taking off running.

"Wha- -Evan!" He got up and ran after him, leaving all their stuff behind including Evan's unfinished lunch.

Almost immediately he was out of breath. You would think, out of all the advantages Evan might have over Connor, this would be the least expected one. He guessed he shouldn't expect less from tree-boy.

By the time they came to a halt at one of the tallest trees in the orchard, he was heaving, while Evan looked completely fine, only barely out of breath as he laughed at Connor's easy exhaustion.

Connor was going to ask what that was about when Evan clamped a hand around the branch above his head and lifted himself off the ground.

"What are you-"

"Climbing a tree," Evan cut off with minimal strain in his voice as he hooked his leg over the branch and found a good foothold. It was impressive how natural it looked after what happened. You would expect him to at least be nervous.

Evan looked down at him for only a second. His gaze was oddly intense. It didn't match his mood only seconds ago at all.

"And hoping you'll follow me."


	14. Sunset

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyoo apologies if this chapter's a mess. I really did try lol

**Evan POV.**

* * *

Evan's heart was racing.

It was so stupid of him to think this was a good idea, but it was more of an in-the-moment decision, and he wouldn't have done it if he thought it through beforehand.

Connor obviously wasn't used to doing stuff like this. Every couple of paces when he looked down, he seemed out of breath and slightly further down than he expected. He had needed a bit of help getting up on the first branch, too. Evan didn't expect Connor to be as unfit as he was. Just looking at him, you would expect him to have at least a little stamina in him.

He didn't know why that thought made him blush.

He was a little too focused on what he was doing to look at Connor much, seeing as the last time he had climbed something was when he broke his arm, and his cast was getting a little in the way and impeding on his ability to fully grasp any branches with that arm. He was hopefully hiding it well, but he was anxious as fuck right now.

Evan stopped climbing about halfway up where the branches were still thick, waiting for Connor to catch up to him. He didn't want to get too high to the point of the branches getting too thin. They wouldn't be able to support two people at once. That, and he was a little afraid to go high enough that a fall would... I don't know... break an arm.

He sat on the sturdiest branch he could find and patted the spot next to him so they could sit side-by-side.

"So," Connor said between breaths when he reached him, holding onto the branch above him to stay steady. He had to admit that it felt good to be better than someone at something, especially this. "Why are we climbing trees now?"

He smiled and nodded his head towards the view. There was a reason he had picked a spot so disconnected from the rest of the orchard.

The expression on Connor's face when he focused his attention away from keeping his balance brought an unnatural amount of joy to Evan. He was just so happy to share this with someone for once. All this time he had been dealing with this alone, but now, after so long, he had Connor.

He himself hadn't seen this view for a while. The last time had been when he broke his arm, and he really didn't want to remember that.

He felt something in his stomach that made him feel sick. Was it nerves? Excitement? Both? It was very different from the warm feeling he usually got when he saw a view like this. It was probably Connor's presence. He always made him feel different.

But this was different from different... he didn't know how to describe it other than that word.

Connor looked back at him. "I should climb trees more often."

The comment caught him off guard, and he laughed just a little harder than he should have, putting a hand on the trunk next to him to keep his balance. "That was unexpected."

"Was it? Does it achieve the same level of unexpected as sprinting about half a mile and climbing a tree without a heads up?"

If they hadn't been so high up, he would probably have shoved him. But the most he could do up here was smack him in the shoulder. "Mind you, it wasn't nearly a half mile. You're just out of shape."

"Low blow."

"It literally isn't, but okay." He swung his legs back and forth in the open air. "It's just fun sharing something I find cool with someone."

A gust of wind hit him, sending the smallest of chills to go down his spine. It was only going to get colder from here now that it was nearing the end of summer. He kind of hated it. The orchard was more... enjoyable when it was warm out. But right now, it was comfortable, apart from the wind.

"I get that," Connor said. "If you... ever want to share something else you find cool with someone, I'm right here."

He couldn't help the smile that showed up on his face, looking away in a useless attempt to hide it along with his blush, of which he was certain Connor was aware of every time it happened.

He picked off a piece of bark from the branch they were sitting on and, just to give him something to do, tossed it, watching it hit the ground and break into a bunch of small pieces. "You... really don't have to."

Connor didn't skip a beat before shrugging and saying, "You're right, I don't have to. But there's a difference between having to do something and wanting to."

He looked down below them, watching a squirrel hop between branches on the same tree they were on. "Would you tell me if you didn't want to?"

"Obviously."

"Good." He didn't know how to feel about the instant relief that went through him as he leaned against the trunk to his left. "I would tell you, too."

He wasn't sure if Connor was looking at the view just to look at it, but Evan was just using it as an excuse to not have to say anything to start a conversation. He was horrible at starting conversations.

"I wonder what the sunset looks like from up here," Connor said after a while.

"I wouldn't know."

"Haven't you stayed up here that long? Honestly I'd expect you to spend all day up here, tree boy."

He tapped his fingers on the branch. "It gets cold and I usually stick around a lot higher up."

"Why don't we stick around down here? Then we'll both see something new."

"Well, what about the cold?"

"If you're really that sensitive to the 'cold' in weather like this, no wonder you've never stuck around here this long."

He rolled his eyes. "I meant from the _wind_ , Connor."

Right now he was definitely feeling the opposite of cold. Maybe it was the body heat from the embarrassment, of which got even worse when Connor put an arm across his shoulders and pulled him against his side.

He could barely breathe, his eyes widening as he tried to comprehend what was happening, his stomach turning. This was not something normal friends did. Even he, someone who didn't have any friends, knew that.

Different was definitely the right word.

"Alright," Connor said. His voice sounded shaky, but he couldn't tell if he was just still recovering from being out of breath. "You don't have to worry about cold now."

"Y- -yeah... I guess." It felt like Connor was just making excuses.

Evan was unnaturally aware of his surroundings, sensitive about every movement and sound, every breath Connor took quaking in his bones.

He swallowed, shifting his arm so it snaked around Connor's waist. If asked, he could possibly use the excuse that he was doing it to stabilize himself, but he just couldn't stop himself. Every part of him was yearning to get closer.

The sun was starting to fall over the horizon, but it was still going to take a while for it to get interesting. He should have brought his phone up here. He wasn't going to make it home in time for curfew even if he left now. If he had his phone, he could have told her that he was planning to watch the sun set while keeping out the fact that he was doing it with someone else.

He could go down and get it now, but... he didn't want to move.

He was so unsteady. Both from the fact that he was being basically cradled in someones arms for the first time in _years_ , and the fact that the person doing said cradling was Connor.

It took a while, but eventually, Evan forgot about his mom, and ended up finding comfort in leaning against Connor. Closing his eyes, just letting himself relax.

Things were so quiet apart from the occasional bird chirp or cricket. It was beautiful to look at. He had never seen anything like it. The fact that he had someone who was legitimately interested in experiencing it with him, even _insisting_ on it, was baffling to him.

Connor ran his hand down Evan's upper arm, coming to a rest on his elbow, causing a shiver to go down his spine that was definitely not because it had gotten colder. He hadn't felt this kind of physical affection before in his life; it felt so alien to him. It wasn't anything like what he had felt before.

He just wanted _more_.

Evan took a deep breath. Connor may not know it, but he was probably the most comforting thing that could happen to him right now.

"What do you think?" Connor said. His voice was so soft. It made him even more nervous, for some reason.

He pulled away only enough to look at Connor's face. For some reason, it was easier to talk to him when he could see his expression. "Of the sunset?" he asked. Somehow he didn't stutter saying that. He found it relatively easy to hide when he was feeling overly nervous, but right now, he was legitimately surprised at how collected he seemed.

Connor rose an eyebrow. "Obviously the sunset. What else would I be talking about?"

There were many things he could have been talking about that were present right now. He could have been talking about himself, of which was the only thing he could legitimately pay attention to right now, he could have been talking about... something. He didn't know.

Evan's face got warm again when he realized how long he had been looking at Connor, and he leaned back, turning his eyes to the horizon. "It's beautiful," he said.

He felt his eyes burning, and fought as hard as he could to keep the tears contained, blinking quite a few times. What a time to get emotional. This was probably the first time he felt the urge to cry from any sort of happiness since he was a toddler. Obviously he still cried about a lot of things, any normal human cries about things, but the reason for this was happiness. He wasn't used to it.

Despite his efforts to keep it contained, a small tear ran down his face, and he slowly reached up and wiped it off his cheek, hoping Connor hadn't noticed.

But he did, apparently, and it didn't take long for him to ask, "What's wrong?"

"Uh- -nothing, don't worry."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm just..." he paused to swallow down any more tears that might decide to show up unwanted, and fighting to keep his voice steady, continued, "I- -I'm just happy."

Connor's confused look turned to a smile, and he tightened his grip on Evan's arm, leaning his head on his as he said, "I'm glad."

By the time Evan had calmed himself, the sun had set completely, and it eventually got dark enough that Connor had to use the flashlight on his phone to give them enough light to climb down. He was grateful it was there. While he did know how to climb in the dark, it would have been difficult for Connor to without some light.

The stuff that they had left on the other side of the orchard had been untouched, apart from a few ants that had begun eating away at the sandwich he left there. He guessed he should be blamed for that. It was his idea to climb a tree, after all.

Everything was fine for Evan, maintaining a playful banter with Connor despite how flustered he was, when he picked up his phone to check the time.

Two things he noticed right away. First, it was nearly 9:00 PM.

The other, unfortunately, was that he had seven missed calls in his inbox.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: this fic is a rewrite of something I wrote a few years ago. This chapter was originally their first kiss.


	15. Not That Mad

**Evan POV.**

* * *

"I know, I know. You lost track of time. I'm not that mad."

Evan sat cross-legged on his bed as Heidi finished giving him a lecture on why it was important to pay attention.

'Not _that_ mad' usually meant 'I'm downplaying how mad I am for the sake of not hurting your feelings too badly', when it came from her.

He didn't have a good excuse, he had been thinking about it the entire way home and barely came up with anything. How was he supposed to tell her he got distracted without telling her what the distraction was?

Of course, he could tell her that he decided to watch the sunset, but they both knew he didn't have the energy or patience to do that alone. Obviously if that was his excuse he would have to admit to having someone with him.

Losing track of time was the best thing he could come up with. He lived about half an hour away from the orchard on foot, and sometimes it was hard to assume what time it was by where the sun was in the sky. He just said that he went an hour past curfew on accident, climbing a tree while leaving his phone on the ground, out of reach and on silent, and was already on the way home when he realized what time it was and called her.

Yes, it wasn't very believable, but what other choice did he have? He had spent his whole life building up the reputation to his mother that he was a rule-follower. She wouldn't question it too badly if it was just this one time.

But he felt like this was going to become a regular recurrence, now that he knew Connor.

"I know it was an accident, and I may have overreacted, but I was worried. Because what happened last year, I- -"

He frantically cut her off with, "I know, mom. You don't have to bring that up," before she could finish her sentence. A panicked feeling began to rise in him as he looked straight down at the floor to conceal it.

She was giving him that look again. He didn't even have to see her to know it. Pity, hurt; a look that told him everything that she felt about him shooting her down for trying to bring it up. He could _feel_ her eyes on him.

Eventually she sighed to herself and shook her head, leaving the room without another word.

A minute passed, and he pinched the bridge of his nose as he leaned back, unsure whether to feel relieved or more upset. He felt a burning sensation on the inside of his wrist and itched it slowly as he stared out the window.

From where he lay on his bed, he had the perfect view of the nothingness outside. Pretty soon the moon would be in view. He saw the soft white glow just out of sight, coming from the left side of his window.

The stars weren't very visible right now, but they were earlier when he was with Connor. The orchard was more disconnected from street lights and such, so there wasn't much to block out the night sky, as opposed to here, where there was literally a street lamp five feet from the end of his front yard.

He almost jumped when his phone suddenly went off, only to groan and bunch the sheets into his fist as he slowly reached for it.

" _Are you okay?_ " It was from Connor. He realized he hadn't given him an update yet.

" _Yeah, I'm fine. I got scolded_."

" _Were you grounded?_ "

" _Nope_."

He sat up.

" _Damn, that's surprising, you stayed two hours past curfew,"_ he read after seeing three dots in the corner for a second.

" _Yeah, well, my mom's lenient because she thinks I've never broken it in my life_."

" _Lucky._ "

He reached over to his desk and picked up his sketchbook, turning to a new page, and sat back and contemplated what to draw for a second. He could never figure out something to draw when he was specifically taking out his sketchbook to practice. It was always random doodling or if he planned it out first.

Connor sent a picture of him and Zoe sitting on the couch together with popcorn. Family movie night? He wished he could still do that.

He stared at it for a second, a little longer than needed. They looked so happy. It was rare that he could find a picture of Connor, let alone one of him looking so excited. It was sweet. It looked like they were finally figuring things out.

" _Cute_ ," he replied. It was supposed to be sarcastic, but he hoped Connor wouldn't take it weirdly.

He sketched the outline of a rose and immediately scribbled over it, trying again in a different spot of the page.

It was difficult for him to draw without a reference. A lot of the time he would pull something up on his phone, but he was kind of using it for something else right now.

"Evan! Come get dinner!"

He silently groaned. If he knew his mom, it was probably something boring and plain like a takeout meal or packet ramen. He couldn't smell anything interesting other than what lingered on his clothing from Connor, which it hadn't occurred to him that his mom might find that suspicious, but he was betting on the former.

Evan didn't feel hungry at all. In fact, his appetite told him that if h tried eating now, he was going to feel nauseous. But his mom was going to get upset if he didn't get any food at all.

If he made an excuse that he had eaten already, she'd ask how and where. So eventually, after sitting for a while on his bed, contemplative, he just went downstairs to get some food to bring to his room and decided he'd sneak it downstairs later when she was asleep to put in the fridge for lunch tomorrow.

Nothing was spoken as he grabbed his food and went upstairs. Evan's mom just looked at him like he was an alien when he first walked in, probably noticing that he was exhausted.

He shut and locked the door behind him, feeling uncomfortable.

Connor hadn't texted him again, and Evan figured that he was probably busy doing things with his family, so he just let it be. He could talk to him later.

He found it difficult to talk to his mom normally with the knowledge that he was keeping the existence of an entire other person a secret from her, especially someone that was as significant as Connor was to Evan. There was always a lingering fear that he might let something slip. Given how often Connor was on his mind, he had to be really careful about his words or excuses, constantly remind himself that she didn't know who he was.

It felt annoying that he could never get his mind off Connor. No matter how hard he tried to think about other things, eventually, it would round back to him. Like his brain was constantly reminding him "hmm, you haven't thought about Connor for a while".

He didn't _hate_ that he was constantly there, but it was just a little difficult to deal with. He wished that he didn't feel like this. The first person he was mildly friends with had turned into a crush almost immediately.

He leaned his head back and sighed, closing his eyes, as butterflies fluttered in his stomach. It wasn't a bad feeling, but it wasn't a good feeling either. This was so confusing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GAHH THIS CHAPTER IS SO LATE IM SORRY


	16. Observe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI THIS ONE'S SHORT BUT THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THIS ONE AND THE NEXT ONE BACK AND FORTH SO I DON'T GET TOO BORED ALSO NEW POV TEEHEE TELL ME IF ANY OF IT SEEMS OFF ALRIGHT K BYE

**Zoe POV.**

* * *

"Hey, Con," Zoe said to her brother when he walked through the front door, looking tired and exhausted. "You look off today."

"How so?" he mumbled as he dug through his pockets for something. It wasn't much, but just the fact that he replied to her was almost baffling. Any other time she might have tried to have a conversation he would shoot her down immediately and barely even acknowledge her.

"I don't know... are things with you and Evan alright?"

"You say that like we're dating."

"Are you not?"

He paused, giving her a look that she assumed was supposed to be intimidating but just ended up being skeptical, the opposite impression of what he was probably going for, before glancing down at his phone as he made his way to the kitchen. "We haven't talked in a few days," he replied cautiously. He still didn't trust her.

She could still feel how awkward it was between her and Connor after their conversation the other day. She didn't expect it to be immediate healing, but it was still a little frustrating that he didn't tell her anything, even if she asked upfront. It would be fine by her that he was so distant, if it weren't for the fact that his and Evan's relationship was so goddamn interesting.

Zoe had looked up Evan's name on facebook, and his account was basically blank, apart from his profile picture that looked at least a few years old. His instagram was almost the same, but there were two posts from earlier in the summer, one of a cool looking tree and another was a drawing of it. It was really nice. He was a good artist.

Both those things were normal things, but what made their relationship so interesting was how _different_ they were from one another.

What she would give to hear the story of how they met. Just from observing them on the off chances she saw them together, it was obvious they were absolutely obsessed with each other. It was fucking adorable.

She heard the fridge door close and footsteps walking around, pacing slowly, like he was texting on his phone. Maybe Zoe asking about it had reminded him.

"What was for dinner?" he asked. He didn't have to raise his voice above a normal talking volume for her to hear for once.

"Chicken and rice. It's in the microwave already if you want to heat it up."

"You ate already?"

"Yep."

She heard beeping as he started setting the timer.

* * *

Zoe often went to the orchard to calm down, that was the reason she had seen Connor with Evan for the first time and it tipped her off that there was something going on. Recently, though, for fear of running into them, she was keeping her distance.

Obviously Connor's thing with Evan was very private. She didn't want to intrude or go too far in her attempts to get more info, it might drive him away, and he was already distant from her enough as it was. She feared that even just running into one of them on accident would cause a negative affect and just push her and Connor's friendship as siblings even further.

She sat in the library after Connor had forgotten to driver her home once again, so she decided she would make the best of it by studying.

It wasn't like she was angry that he didn't, he was probably hanging out with Evan right now since it was going into the weekend and all, but it wouldn't hurt to at least send a sorry text or something.

"Hey," she heard, and she looked up from her homework to see who it came from. Alana was standing in front of her. "You look stressed, do you need help with your work?"

"Oh! It's not homework related. Thank you for offering, though," she replied, immediately regretting it.

"Can I take a look anyway?" Alana asked, and pulled a chair out and sat down before she could answer, tugging her homework over to look at it, immediately pointing out mistakes and explaining how to correct them in her math homework.

Zoe sat in shock for only a second, wondering what the fuck just happened and why, before composing herself quickly and leaning forward to pay attention to what Alana was saying, ignoring her heart beating a little faster than usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please review!! even something small would make my entire day :D


	17. Sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, this one's short. I've been having a really rough week. Sorry.

**Evan POV.**

* * *

"Did you sleep like... at all last night?" Evan asked.

"Nope," Connor replied through the third yawn he'd yawned that conversation. He was lying lengthwise on Evan's couch, nodding off every once in a while as they tried to make their normal small talk. At this point, though, their conversations had completely worn off and gone into boring territory. "What even is sleep. Never heard of it."

He snorted, crossing his arms as he shifted his weight from one leg to the other.

Connor yawned again. "Mind if I stay the night?"

"I mean, you'd probably just fall asleep at the wheel if not here."

He nodded before leaning his head back against the arm rest. He must have been really tired. It made him wonder if he slept at all the night before last night too.

"Want a blanket?" Evan asked. "There's really no fighting it."

"Sure..." he mumbled, trailing off the moment to word left his mouth, though it looked like he was wanting to say something else that he just couldn't get out. Evan was sure that if he was wide awake right now he would have refused.

He shook his head as he got up to look for a blanket.

There weren't any spares in the hall closet, so he opted to take the one from his bed, along with his pillow. He wondered if he was being over caring. The couch was soft, after all.

He grabbed his sketchbook and phone while he was at it.

The way back down the stairs and into the living room was a lot slower and quieter than going up, almost leaning completely on the railing as he balanced his stuff in his arms. By the time he got there, Connor was fast asleep, even lightly snoring. He was lucky his mom wasn't going to be home until the end of tomorrow. He didn't want to have to wake him up.

Evan kneeled down next to the couch and quietly dropped all his stuff on the floor, spreading the blanket over Connor who didn't react at all, even when Evan lifted his head to put the pillow beneath it. He lingered for a second with his hand on Connor's cheek, noticing how peaceful he looked when he was asleep, before standing up and shaking his hands out when he realized how fucking creepy it was to watch someone sleep like that. He didn't mean to do that.

He hopped a few times on his toes, taking a breath as he looked out the window at the slowly dimming sky to distract himself.

Connor mumbled something in his sleep as Evan's back was turned, which made him jump and spin around only to see him still fast asleep. He must have been a sleep talker. Evan was way too jumpy right now.

It was just that... he had never really had someone other than his mom that felt safe enough to sleep in his company. It was making him nervous.

He sank down to the ground and crisscrossed his legs with his eyes glued to Connor like he was some alien that had decided to nap on his couch. How long would he sleep for? If he really hadn't done any of it the night before, he wouldn't be surprised if he just ended up not waking up until morning.

He was too distracted to focus on something like drawing or reading. He didn't know why he brought his sketchbook. Even playing on his phone was difficult to pay attention to.

So what was he going to do? Just stare at him? It was so creepy to stare at someone while they slept like this. He didn't want to seem... obsessed. Besides, people could usually tell when someone was watching them in their sleep, right? Isn't there some kind of reflex that warned people when they were being watched? And that wasn't even the only reason why he was stressed out.

This was so stupid. It was just a nap, he had no reason to get this worked up about it. It wasn't nearly as big a deal as he was acting like it was.

He got to his feet, going to sit on the chair in front of the window instead of the floor, which was hard and uncomfortable despite it being carpeted. Honestly he didn't know what else he would expect from that. It was a floor.

Evan laced his fingers together, holding has hands close to his face as he bobbed his leg nervously. "Okay..." he whispered, barely even audible to himself, trying desperately not to smack himself in the face to attempt to snap back to reality. "Get yourself together."

He plugged his earbuds into his phone and scrolled through his playlists before opening his sketchbook, still completely unsure of whether or not he could focus enough to draw anything more than a simple doodle.

He twirled the pencil between his fingers while he contemplated.


	18. Suspicious?

**Connor POV.**

* * *

Connor opened his eyes and inhaled sharply, blinking to adjust go the light, covering his face with his hands.

"Oh, morning," he heard. Right, he was at Evan's house. He was so used to his own bed being the only thing he fell asleep in that it took a minute for him to remember.

He lifted his head. Evan was sitting in the chair across from the couch, picking at his lip as he stared at his laptop for a second before typing something out.

Something felt off. But not in a weird way. It felt like he had just woken up comfortable, despite being on a couch in a place that wasn't even his own home. It was much different from what he usually felt waking up at home. Maybe it was just the company he was in this time.

"What time is it?" he asked.

"Almost seven."

There was a sketchbook sitting on the coffee table that looked like it was just recently put there.

"How long have you been up?"

Evan picked his lip and looked like he was trying to stay casual. "Uh... I didn't sleep."

"Evan."

"What- -I had stuff to do. Plus I gave you my pillow so I couldn't use it."

He hadn't even noticed that. "At this point you get less sleep than me, and that's freaking me out. One of these days you're gonna just straight up pass out in the middle of a hallway."

"Oh, come on. I slept all night for the last three nights in a row. It's an exception."

"What do you classify as 'all night'?"

Evan clicked his tongue. "I couldn't have slept if I wanted to. I got distracted."

"By what?"

His eyes darted to him then immediately back to the floor. "I had to finish an essay."

If it weren't for him being so tired, he most definitely would have been more skeptical at that excuse. Evan wasn't one to be late in writing an essay.

But all he did was nod and look at his phone, seeing a few texts from his sister asking where he was, of which concluded in the last one saying, "Have fun with Evan."

Goddammit.

* * *

Evan poked at his food with a fork, doing his best to stay listening to the conversation as Jared animatedly waved a sandwich around in the midst of a rant.

Honestly, at this point of the conversation, he had completely tuned himself out and found himself staring at the table. Jared probably hadn't even noticed that he wasn't listening. Ranting to no one was something he seemed to do often.

But Evan always seemed to be the person that he was around while he was ranting. It may have been because Evan was quiet and never talked to people, or, there could have been a slim chance that he trusted him. Based off what he usually said to him, that didn't seem like the case, though.

His eyes began to wander as his mind fell out of the conversation, and he found himself looking across the room at where Connor stood leaning against the wall.

At first, it caught him off guard that he was even there. Last he checked Connor wasn't one to stick around for school lunch. He had been told personally that it was one of his excuses to get out of school for the rest of the day.

He had half expected for Connor to just drop him off and leave when the day had started. There didn't seem to be any reason for him to stick around, considering his grades were trash and he wasn't really known for trying, but he was afraid that he might have only stuck around because he was still phased from the one bully encounter he had witnessed.

Damn. He hadn't really thought of that. He didn't like the idea of someone only sticking around because they were afraid he couldn't hold his own. The one time he had lost it and actually done something was when Connor was around. He kind of wished that he could tell him that there was more to him than being this fragile person that he only had to be around for to protect him.

Then again. Connor hadn't even looked in his direction the entire time they had been there. It might have been a school thing; he was sure that he wouldn't want to publicly associate with someone like Evan, so honestly he was fine with it. But he did seem a little out of it.

"-Zoe and Alana would be an interesting pairing to think about," Jared said, and Zoe's name caught Evan off guard enough that he had to turn his attention back to him.

"What?"

"Zoe and Alana, they would make a good couple, don't you think?"

What a coincidence that they would now be talking about something related to the Murphy family after he was just thinking of Connor. "I don't know, they're pretty different."

"That's the point! Opposites attract. The last people you think would get together always end up making the best couples."

He tapped his foot, chewing on the inside of his cheek. This conversation was causing more stress to him than it should have been. He was suddenly almost desperate to get out of it before he would say something he shouldn't. There as no reason Jared should even be suspicious; he just needed to act like nothing had happened and he would be fine.

But he was awful at acting in this way. While he was better at the subject of his mental health, hiding how severe it really was, he was awful at doing it with different secrets. If Connor had been a regular friend he could possibly tell Jared about it. But he wasn't a regular friend at this point.

"Why'd you get all quiet all the sudden?" Jared said.

"I was already being quiet?"

He narrowed his eyes. Evan avoided inching away.

"You know, I haven't been annoyed by you trying to talk to me nearly as much lately. What's that about?"

"Uh... I don't know."

"Really?"

"You never reply like you're interested anyway."

He slouched a little. "I mean-"

The bell went off, and Jared looked like he still had something to say, but stopped himself as he shoved his things into his bag to get to his next class instead.


End file.
